I'm not sure if it is the infertility road itself, or if it is just that I have become more aware or open about my issues, but I'm less afraid of it. To me it is not a necessarily negative thing (unless I'm using it to be manipulative), it is simply a way of expressing emotion and there is a reason why we were made to be able to cry.
Whatever it is, the human body can produce a lot of tears and I've become pretty shameless about weeping wherever and whenever. The husband has slowly gotten used to it, and is great at being there for me and waiting while I just let it all out, even when he desperately wants to go to bed. He should get a medal.
I have learnt to prepare myself by stuffing tissues (Kleenex Aloe Vera is best from my research) in my handbag before I leave the house most days, having a pack of tissues in our car and the husband's vehicle too. If I have run out, I will resort to serviettes, toilet paper and the back of my hand. (Does cause a bit of a mess if I leave tissues in my pocket and forget about them before doing the laundry. So annoying! Oh well.)
I know we all cry differently for different reasons, but I just thought about the 'categories' for myself...
Here are my types of crying:
1. Deep agony.
Time/Place: Home. Late in the night.
Amount of tears: 40 noseblows
Who's around: The husband or no one
When your heart is simply broken. I think this is a grieving kind of crying (often includes sobbing), when the massive-ness of this journey occurs to me. For me, there is a certain amount of anger that comes out too.
So many 'resons' can spark this off. Things like the fact that I can't quite get my head around the children I have who are in heaven (children? mine? who? what?where? heaven?), wanting to meet them now, the idea of waiting but not knowing if I'm waiting for something I'm not going to get, the idea that not only may I not have kids but that would mean the husband won't have kids either, anger at how things seem 'unfair', jealousy that others have what I want, just feeling very lost, etc, etc, etc.
I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
-Psalm 6:6
My face is red with weeping,
deep shadows ring my eyes
-Job 16:16
[It is good to know that David and Job did this as well. (And they were men too.)]
Frequency: Depends. Not often, but when it does, everything seems to pour out. And when you're done, you have no energy left.
Strategy: Vaseline or Elizabeth Arden's Eight Hour cream is good for the area around the nose and upper lip.
2. Constant struggling/wrestling with God.
Time/Place: Church service or similar
Amount of tears: 4-5 noseblows
Who's around: The husband and the whole room full of church-attenders
Somehow, I have no shame crying in church! It seems to just flow freely. I don't really mind, but I'm not sure how others who see this might feel. This happens especially during worship songs. I think this is because in singing these songs I'm declaring that I love God and He is good. And this is a hard thing to fully reconcile. I'm not usually crying cos' I'm doubting, I'm more crying cos' I know God is great and His plans are perfect, I just cannot fathom how that works with how much it hurts to get there.
Frequency: At the moment, almost every church service. (Whywhywhy!!!)
Strategy: Blow your nose during the song-singing, so that you don't have to when everyone's quietened down for the sermon.
3. Random tears
Time/Place: Unexpected- anywhere, anytime.
Amount of tears: 1-2 noseblows or just a quick wipe
Who's around: Could be the husband, or friends, or even strangers...
This is when something that comes up stirs a memory up or stings the wound. There is a wide range of when this might occur, from a simple conversation with a friend to watching a movie preview for 'The Blind Side'. Something sparks an emotion in you and the taps turn a little. I try to blink it back and sometimes that is good enough. Sometimes, they keep coming. Usually this only lasts a little while, but it is hard to say.
Frequency: Often.
Strategy: If it is safe, share what's on your mind. Your friends probably want to know how to care for you and it helps if you let them know.
Not sure why I decided to write about this. Just thought you might want to know you are not alone on the sad days. If we look up 'tears' or 'weeping' in the bible, there are lots of verses!
...a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance...
- Ecclesiastes 3:4
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