Two days ago it was Mother's Day and I thought about not writing about it, but here I am, writing a sort of delayed response!
These last two years, I decided to not attend the church service on Mother's Day. Please know that I am not anti-mothers, I know a few and I like them. I understand why it is important to encourage and appreciate motherhood. However, because of all it represents, it hits home pretty hard. Emotionally, I still don't think I can do it without flooding the room with tears and I want the moms there to have a good time, instead of having to be distracted. I'm over trying to be 'brave' so I'd just rather not go.
I had a great time eating and celebrating with my mother. She had decided she wanted to have an afternoon tea at her house and invite her friends, many of whom are not mothers themselves. I'm not sure why she decided to do this but in some ways it was nice to still be having a little 'party' so I could show her my appreciation, but not necessarily be focused on 'mothers'. I am thankful for my mom. I know she finds it very hard to know how to deal with (or talk about) my infertility and losses, but she is trying her best (some conversations are better than other) to be sensitive and encouraging- which I appreciate so much. She writes great cards and reminds me of God's promises.
In short, I 'survived' Mother's Day. I sneaked past unharmed. Did you?
I was pretty naive to think that more of these weren't coming. Here I am again, happy-sad-guilty. Happy for them, sad for me/us, and so guilty that I'm happy-sad. (What kind of friend am I??)
It cracks me up (I mean laughter not tears- I'm sure it is confusing haha), but also sort of not, at how I was so focused on dealing with Mother's Day, and forgot that everyday is really a kind of Mother's Day while I'm in this infertility road. And not just for me and infertility, but others who struggle for different reasons too... such as loss of a parent. Life is just not quite the same anymore. 'Normal' things carry so much more weight and meaning. Perspective huh.
Sometimes I do wonder what it would be like if I could hit 'rewind'... I know I can't and probably won't- even if I had the choice. But just a frequent thought.