A light 10 Things at Twelvish

1. We make it to 26 weeks on Monday! Very exciting. Which means 14 weeks to go?

2. Have been trying hard not to get too shoppy-shoppy-crazy for baby clothing until later... can't help it though. I love shopping! (Bought myself a couple items yesterday. How bad is it that fun clothes make me happy! But I mean, I did find a navy dress with little hearts on it and it was on the sale rack... how can that not bring anyone joy? haha.)

3. Had a long list of to-dos for this morning (Saturday) but I'm only through two things- laundry (not even done) and making dinner (spinach-lentil lasagne anyone?) for a friend who just had a baby- and I'm ready for a nap! Think we will spread the list to tomorrow too...

4. Leg-cramp marathon last night in bed! Ahhh. Not fun. But also have not been keeping up with my magnesium pills so may just be my own fault cos' it is supposed to help. (I tried to cheat by eating a banana and have a magnesium pill right before bed but didn't do much haha...) Keep waking the husband to help me rub out the pain but doesn't always work!

5. Having a fun staff hang-out this evening so I'm looking forward to that. Actually I'm also looking forward to this 'German Chocolate Cake' someone's bringing haha. Have not tried it!

(google images says it looks like this.)

6. Also looking forward to not wearing a uniform out cos' we have a staff t-shirt that we have to wear at work, so I'm missing wearing my normal clothing!

7. **Blog post writing interval- had lunch, folded some laundry, sat around and ate chocolate, etc. **

8. Thank you Lord for dishwashers (ahhh pure bliss!), washing machines and dryers (it has been raining)!

9. Totally not that exciting for most, but exciting for me (and maybe Ruth if you read this?)... I finally bought a pair of pinking shears/scissors (cuts zig-zags) and a pair of fabric scissors (who knew they cost more than normal scissors!). Both of which I will label with bright tags maybe so the husband doesn't cut random wires with it or dog-beef-jerky or something. Bunting-making here I come! (So I say...)

(something like this maybe?)

 

10. This is me (and the husband) after a fun-walk event a team of us did a couple weeks ago (the husband was a driver, it is not his thing haha) ... hope you guys are doing ok out there!

Nicole Kidman

(Wo isn't she so beautiful?!)

The other night, Nicole Kidman was on 60 Minutes (here in NZ on TV3). I think you can watch it here on the Australian site where it was orginally from.

I just happened to be flicking channels... when they started talking about family. I didn't realise she'd had a second biological daughter via surrogacy/a gestational carrier (learnt something new from the interview haha).

Anyway, not everyone may be keen on that part of it but it was just comforting to have someone famous and fancy say that fertility has been hard for them and has been a big part of her life too (two adopted kids and two bio kids)... you know what I mean right?

I've never been a massive fan though I've always thought she seemed quite lovely, and being gorgeous always doesn't make it hard does it... but now... I can't help but like her more!

Like Totally!

Here is a post on adoption, Adoption is not a Plan B, by a blogger, Becky, via (in)courage. I share her views on adoption stuff and it was cool to have her put it into words so well.

Ten things at Twelvish

(wrong time. oh well.)

1. Thankful for pancakes this morning (after dreaming about them haha). YUM.

2. Thankful for a Saturday morning to chill and catch up with thoughts and things (laundry haha).

3. Thankful for some time I spent yesterday with two special friends who'd gone through miscarriages recently. It was good to catch up with them and just comforting to be able to talk about our 'children we've never met' openly and without reserve or feeling bad/weird. Glad we finally got to hang out!

4. Thankful for the Christchurch Earthquake Memorial Service that I watched this morning online cos' I missed it yesterday. It was hard to watch of course, but also a bittersweet reminder of God's power and strength in times of great need.

5. Thankful for God's supernatural comfort in times of deep sadness and grieving. Some dear friends have had to say goodbye to their dear tiny daughter, Eden Grace, who was 17 days old. She was born at 26 weeks of pregnancy. Her life was a miracle in itself, but it is so hard too... and I'm praying for her parents and brother as they cope with their loss. I cannot imagine how hard this is for them.

6. Thankful for the power of music that touches us even if we come from different perspectives and backgrounds. They sang a few beautiful songs at the Christchurch Memorial Service- like Amazing Grace and Welcome Home.

7. Thankful that my sis-in-law, K, was unhurt in a car accident this past week, where her SUV was turned on its side! Also cool that the kids were at home with my brother. Praying for them as this stuff is still always scary and can be stressful.

8. Thankful for soft-serve. Ya, serious.

(not my pic)

Haha yes. I love them. Plus, I don't know why it took me so long to catch on that the vanilla soft-serve cones at McDonald's are only 60-cents! Is there anything else that cheap around here?

I usually get the hot fudge/chocolate sundaes in a cup that cost way more. So I think I'll switch over to the cones... plus they probably are 'less bad' haha... NOW if only they had the half-chocolate and half-vanialla twist ones here... ahhhhh that'd be heaven. You know those? They don't have them here in NZ...

( AND Do you know? I used to have the Fisher-Price McDonald's Kitchen set, like this, yes they whole big thing with the drive through window and kitchen. The soft-serve machine was my favourite part!!!)

9. Thankful that we have made it to 24 weeks and 5 days of pregnancy.

It is fascinating and awesome to think that if I had the baby now (of course not ideal but just saying...) he would have a chance at surviving outside the womb. It would be registered as a birth in some countries, not sure about here. Just quite a thought! Praising God for this life.

10. Thankful for my mother who continues to feed me. She's been bringing me pots of food so that I don't have to cook that much. They last the husband and I a few meals a week.

It is a massive blessing because I've been so tired and some evenings I work, so it makes it very convenient. However, I hope she isn't using up all her cooking stamina because I'll need it more when baby comes!

Had a lunch break between writing point 8. and points 9.-10. so now it is like almost two! haha. Have a good day out there.

Mercy

(pic of pie because... truth is, i often WANT pie but i don't necessarily always deserve it (?)... ok long shot- but I couldn't think of anything else to put as the photo haha)

Isn't it interesting how when you go through different chapters in life, some themes stand out to you more than others?

'Mercy' seems like such an old-fashioned word to me, and sorta religious and loaded... yet this is what I've been thinking about. Over and over...

This baby is such a crazy ridiculous miracle. I think every baby is a miracle really, but this one is has been so in-your-face massive for me.

I feel undeserved. And that's why I think I'm realising the extent of God's mercy. He didn't need to do this. We asked for it, yes, and of course some days I did feel like 'argh you owe me!' (er... probably plus a few more nasty words), but REALLY it wasn't our right to get the answer we wanted... and I am trying to grasp that.

It is not my right to be a mother... but God has shown me grace and mercy. I'm repeating this because it blows my mind. I can't even fully comprehend it. Yet this is such a big part of the Christian life too- being given what we never deserved in the first place, life and freedom through Christ.

So here I am carrying a little baby boy. And I am four months away from meeting him.

The flip side is I wonder if I'd have felt this way if this was earlier in the journey... did I need all that time to loosen my hold on my desire to control and WANT? I don't know and I don't think it is just about me...

But also the out-of-this-world nature of 'our story' having been such a mad one, makes it all the more awesome what God's done and the emphasis more on Him. It makes it so clear who's in charge...

Here's a song from an album I've been listening too lately (ya still loving this album A and thanks Kathy)... it isn't totally related to this subject, and is more about being in the depths of (I think) grief and suffering... but what has lingered with me are the lines:

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before you show me how to die



Maybe this is what I'm learning?

Hmmm... anyway. Just some thoughts.

Dream a Little Dream With Me

Since I ended that last post (though it was a week or something ago) on a 'shopping' thought... why not keep going with it? Plus my mad pregnancy dreams are still going strong, so let's combine them for something a bit more fun.

Some of you are mothers, while some of you are hoping to be... are there any items for a baby or a young child that you love that you had or you wish that you got/would like to get one day?

Just curious. Even things that are super-unnecessary but may be just look cool or very expensive but would-be-nice?

I realise I may or may not have that many opportunities to prepare for a baby... Why not dream a little while we're at it?

SO. I totally don't need one (yet) but I'm kinda obsessed about BUMBO chairs at the moment. Hahaha.

I think cos' they come in cute colours and are made of that weird squishy-foam/rubbery texture. Plus both my nephews had one so I think I just am associating it with cute memories of them!

ANYWAY.

Short one for now. Talk more soon.

Pregnancy after IF and miscarriage- Confessions

(er... admitting more than one thing really.)

I have been thinking to admit some things about what it has been like being pregnant after infertility and miscarriage... I've hoped for this blog to be a place others can come to and feel some relief, but this has also been a safe place for me to say things that I may not dare share in real life.

So this may seem indulgent but I've always wanted to be open in this blog so here goes...

1. Especially when I was not yet 12-14 weeks, I was very nervous about noticing bleeding... What would I do, how would I handle it? Thankfully this feeling has subsided, especially from the 'fear of miscarriage' perspective... I think taking one day at a time is/was the only way!

2. I am just going to put this one out there. As much as we are so grateful to be 'pregnantly surprised', and naturally too, it was hard to not be slightly resentful that we could not experience the bliss and naievete of not knowing any other scenario.

When we found out we were pregnant, there was no jumping in the air or hi-fives, just us looking like we saw a ghost. And I felt a little stink for disbelieving this dear little baby was real! (Please know we have squealed in delight and are celebrating this little baby... it just took a while to get there!)

3. I secretly hoped that having had a rocky road before this, pregnancy would be easy (i.e. less nausea-feeling please!) ... um... no, doesn't work like that haha!

4. We had ultrasounds/scans at around 6, 8 and 10 weeks, then later on at 19 weeks. It was so bizarre having them all be 'normal'. I wanted to say, "Are you sure? Are you sure?"...

5.  Doing extra bloods and scans were not bad as they brought much information and therefore helped with the anxiety about the pregnancy, but progesterone inserts! (Yes inserts... pessaries? Whatever you call them...)

Those of you who have had to do them- big ups to you! I hated them so bad. You do them for 6-8 weeks (like 50+ days) and it is two little 'pills' 3 times a day, which is 300+ of them!!! Loved it when the specialist said, "You can wean off the progesterone now!". Fortunately I only needed to do a few weeks for this round. Phew.

6. There are still leftover fertility drugs in my fridge and a sharps bin in my closet (from September)... you just get used to them being around... then you realise you may ACTUALLY not need them for the 'next' round cos' this one is actually progressing...

7. I still get a twinge of envy when I find out suddenly that someone is pregnant like really soon after trying. I know this sounds so selfish and terrible but I do. I think it may get better eventually... Lord help me.

8. I wish I had a t-shirt that said something like "If you're waiting for a bump like this... hang in there!", as we all know what it is like to stare at someone like me.

SO... Having said all this, I'm currently 22.5 weeks and everything is still looking good. Today I'm going to go look at some baby things with my fab friend C. Who knew we'd be here in this position? Praise God for being generous and full of grace.

Pregnancy- Things I'm Experiencing

We've made it to 22 weeks. (Oh yeah!) Here are some things I have been experiencing... mostly 'normal' pregnancy symptoms really.

(handy having a dog to pose next to usually boring furniture. here's our cot! or crib.)

1. I need to eat frequently or I turn into a kind of mad monster. This was me before pregnancy too but it is worse now.

2. The morning sickness does leave but I still feel the 'sick' or weird 'nausea' feeling in the evenings/randomly.

3. When I feel tired at night, I'm seriously tired. Cannot function.

4. I needed softer bras early on... felt rather squished!

5. I feel huge but to others it doesn't look that huge really. But even at this stage, the round tummy does actually get in the way! Having trouble bending over or picking stuff up- already!

6. I am thirsty all the time. I even have a glass of water next to my bed to drink through the night... ice-water is a new best friend.

7. Which also means I pee a lot. Typical really. Getting quite good at manouvering around my bed in the dark.

8. Pregnancy brings on sneezing and a runny nose for me! Partly aggravates allergies too. Who knew? (I know some of you did.)

9. Dreams... I don't like them! I get lots at the moment and they are mostly weird and sad/scary.

10. Other night-time issues- cramps! Leg cramps. Not cool and rather freaky to be woken up by pain in the night. But my mom had them so I was prepared.

11. The baby's  little movements and 'thud-thuds' are very cool and a great reminder that things are still moving along. Oh gosh.

12. Hearing his heartbeat at the mid-wife's (again last week) continues to be a highlight. His heartbeat is there and still going strong! Thank you Lord!

13. Definitely a lot of things on my mind... grateful too as being able to plan for a baby is much of a dream come true.

14. Sadly I continue to prove that 'baby brain' is real. Have made many mistakes and slip-ups. Not my usual alert and clever self... haha.

Need to go rummage for food now before work... hope you guys are doing well.