Friday, March 04, 2011

Pregnancy after IF and miscarriage- Confessions

(er... admitting more than one thing really.)

I have been thinking to admit some things about what it has been like being pregnant after infertility and miscarriage... I've hoped for this blog to be a place others can come to and feel some relief, but this has also been a safe place for me to say things that I may not dare share in real life.

So this may seem indulgent but I've always wanted to be open in this blog so here goes...

1. Especially when I was not yet 12-14 weeks, I was very nervous about noticing bleeding... What would I do, how would I handle it? Thankfully this feeling has subsided, especially from the 'fear of miscarriage' perspective... I think taking one day at a time is/was the only way!

2. I am just going to put this one out there. As much as we are so grateful to be 'pregnantly surprised', and naturally too, it was hard to not be slightly resentful that we could not experience the bliss and naievete of not knowing any other scenario.

When we found out we were pregnant, there was no jumping in the air or hi-fives, just us looking like we saw a ghost. And I felt a little stink for disbelieving this dear little baby was real! (Please know we have squealed in delight and are celebrating this little baby... it just took a while to get there!)

3. I secretly hoped that having had a rocky road before this, pregnancy would be easy (i.e. less nausea-feeling please!) ... um... no, doesn't work like that haha!

4. We had ultrasounds/scans at around 6, 8 and 10 weeks, then later on at 19 weeks. It was so bizarre having them all be 'normal'. I wanted to say, "Are you sure? Are you sure?"...

5.  Doing extra bloods and scans were not bad as they brought much information and therefore helped with the anxiety about the pregnancy, but progesterone inserts! (Yes inserts... pessaries? Whatever you call them...)

Those of you who have had to do them- big ups to you! I hated them so bad. You do them for 6-8 weeks (like 50+ days) and it is two little 'pills' 3 times a day, which is 300+ of them!!! Loved it when the specialist said, "You can wean off the progesterone now!". Fortunately I only needed to do a few weeks for this round. Phew.

6. There are still leftover fertility drugs in my fridge and a sharps bin in my closet (from September)... you just get used to them being around... then you realise you may ACTUALLY not need them for the 'next' round cos' this one is actually progressing...

7. I still get a twinge of envy when I find out suddenly that someone is pregnant like really soon after trying. I know this sounds so selfish and terrible but I do. I think it may get better eventually... Lord help me.

8. I wish I had a t-shirt that said something like "If you're waiting for a bump like this... hang in there!", as we all know what it is like to stare at someone like me.

SO... Having said all this, I'm currently 22.5 weeks and everything is still looking good. Today I'm going to go look at some baby things with my fab friend C. Who knew we'd be here in this position? Praise God for being generous and full of grace.


Grace said...

thanks for being honest...i'm pretty certain i'd feel the *exact* same way.

KiwiChristy said...

It was indeed a blessing to hang with you today!!

Anna said...

Not indulgent at all, just honest and totally understandable! Thanks for continuing to be so vulnerable, even on the other side now.

GMom said...

oh, how I would LOVE to be able to go shopping for baby things with you and KiwiChristy... your honesty and openness make you such a blessing to others...God bless you...xoxoxo

Kathy said...

i had to take progesterone too, so awful!, made me extra-nauseous.... and as for anxiety over the pregnancy (i.e., bleeding, issues with fetal development, etc) - i struggled with every day of both pregnancies even though they were somewhat 'normal'. i can't imagine those anxieties being compounded by your experiences in the past. we are so grateful seeing you so healthy and the pregnancy thriving. one day at a time sista!

Barbara said...

I honestly felt so many of the same emotions/worries that you are dealing with in your pregnancy. At one time I actually even googled "emotional issues during pregnancy after infertility" because I was really struggling on a number of levels. As much as you want to be ecstatic all the time, it's tough because you're hormonal, uncomfortable, and anxious. In any case, it's still a thrilling time for you.

Oh - and the progesterone inserts? Ugh. 12 weeks and I was so ready to be done. As well, I still have some sharps left from my 2nd IVF attmept in Nov 2007! I have to find a place to get rid of them! Anyways, I could seriously comment on each and every one of your points! Just know that your feelings are as normal as can be (considering that our experiences weren't exactly "normal"!