Not To Plan

I'm not great with surprises. (Unless it is presents or a briefcase of money...) Spontaneous people probably thing I'm such a party pooper. I will plan your surprise party though! And I won't forget the ice.

I like knowing what I'm up for. WARN ME should be written all over my forehead.

So at every jerk and turn of this journey I've struggled with the unexpected. Over and over... things keep popping up and I never get used to it. I guess spontaneous or not, no one really gets used to the tricky things that come your way in something so intense like struggling to have kids.

I do try to plan for different outcomes and prepare myself. I also know to try and lower my highest-of-high expectations but it is hard. When the news comes and bombs on you, it shakes all your clever preparation out of your hand! I go into a cloudy shock-zone and it takes me a while to be nudged out of it.

So anyway. We're in the midst of a little twist in our Round 8 try. Let's just say I'm gonna have a new 'experience' to add to my infertilty resume. Not good or bad, just a tad more invasive that I'd hoped for this round.

Many others have been here before so it is a little wimpy to be so nervy. But I guess at the core of it I also still struggle to not be mad. Mad that this is so hard. Mad that it can't be simple. Mad that we are here again in this ambiguous place. Jealous of others too. So I think maybe often my resistance is also a stubbornness thing. I want it done my way. MY WAY.

I should be excited...

It is still a shot at getting pregnant so I need to lean on hope. All is not over. It is also still funded so I need to remember that this is more of an opportunity than many others are getting out there.

If you are of the praying kind, please pray for us today- and um... forever. I'm nervous and scared, today's thing is a new one, but I know it is all in God's timing and there is little I can do besides go with the plan and see what happens.

Thanks for coming along.