Friday, August 06, 2010

Baby Boom

Kids and babies are everywhere! Hiding in all the nooks and crannies. I'm sure there are more when you are struggling to have your own. How do you cope?

(Some of my friends' kids are kinda like my nieces and nephews because my real ones are so far away! They are in the U.S. and in Canada. Sucks!)

I love hanging out with the children around me but it is not always easy. How can something be so awesome and so painful at the same time?

Last week I held a sweet three month old baby! She is a daughter of a close friend, I've seen her before and I kinda didn't think twice about it, but suddenly when she was in my arms... it was hard.

All the thoughts came rushing to me. She is a month older than Baby N would be. She is beautiful. I couldn't help but wonder about what N would've been like...

I realised later that it has been a long time since I held a little baby so that was probably why too. I wasn't prepared.

This past weekend, I also decided to attend a baby dedication of another good friend. I know I didn't have to, and I usually recommend others to do whatever's comfortable for them (and I have to admit I usually lean to the side of 'don't go if it is too difficult').

We go to the same church, so it was a tricky one. Plus I'd already missed their celebration for his first birthday so I felt like I needed to be there. To go or not to go... there's just no right or wrong answers for it, but there is pressure from within myself and fear of what others might think of me.

Oh that fear is so strong within me- what will they think if I'm not there, what kind of friend am I, what if other people notice, what if I cry, etc.

Anyway, this one I was prepared for. Maybe my motivation wasn't top-of-the-pops great, but oh well. I still cried my way through the worship stuff which is pretty typical- so I think it actually was just as hard as any other church service I go to- but I did get to witness friends commit their parenthood and child to God.

Yesterday we visited a friend and ex-colleague whose daugher is over one and a half years old. I remember her specifically because her due date was a few weeks earlier than mine would've been with Baby B, our first baby we got pregnant with but lost in 2008. It was cool to see her now- so big. She's another gorgeous kid!

Obviously there are many children around who are about one and a half, not just her, and I don't freak out every time I see one, but I think I do stare at them a little extra hard. (Sorry... not meant to be weird. Just what I do.)

There's also a baby shower coming up that I'd like to be at, but also know it will be hard. So... we'll see. I wish I could just 'not think about it' but it is easier said than done!

Sometimes I think I'm getting better at this but I really don't know. Randomly (not always...) the pain inside is so acute, it feels like a bloated balloon that is about to burst.

Anyway. I'm thankful for God's sustenance and faithfulness amidst this chaos inside. How else would I be doing this? He has provided me with friends who show me much understanding and grace.

Bit of a blabby post today huh folks... hope you are enjoying your Friday evening... thanks for sticking with me!


Grace said...

awww, i know how you feel...and i'm sorry it's been so hard! but, you are approaching it with the right attitude. and it's okay to be sad, too!

Stacy said...

I know.

I am on month 66 of knowing.... sometimes it seems like pregnant women follow me everywhere and they are sticking their bellies out at me... that the glow on their face is mocking my barren womb.... but, thankfully that's just sometimes.

The grief of infertility is really quite unexplainable to most people. It's not like a death, because death is final. With infertility, there is always Hope.... and every month there is another "death"...

But, that Hope is assaulted constantly. The only way to combat the assaults is with Truth {Seems like I'm always praying "God, give me the strength and presence of mind to remember Truth when I would much rather collapse in a heap of tears feeling sorry for myself.... if my infertility is your provision for an orphan somewhere in this world, then I gladly choose these tears now if that is what will give them life later, I wholeheartely choose Your will..."}

I always tell my friends with babies to assume that I am truly okay, that I am grateful for their children, that I want to be with them to celebrate the milestones in their lives... because that is true, most of the time. I just need grace (and space) to cry during worship or to curl up in a corner and weep when my entire being is assaulted with the deep realization that my womb is dry, empty, void and that my arms ache with the emptiness. It's all true. The joy and the pain.

The answer is Hope ~ appropriately fully completely placed in Jesus. I am so grateful that He is Immanuel, with us, even in our sorrow.

Thanks for your honesty today. I know. I'm walking with you...

"Understand, therefore, that the Lord your God is indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps His covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes His unfailing love on those who love Him and obey His commands."
{Deuteronomy 7:9}

GMom said...

your heart and your attitude are so pure and honest! so very sorry that you have to go through this most difficult time......praying for you lots!!