It has been an intense week. I had to study for an exam, which I am not great at- I panic and zone out quite a lot, but it is over so that's done! Yes. Thankfully I also got to do this paper with a good friend, which made it all the more enjoyable.
A friend of mine miscarried her baby at nine weeks. It was really sad news. In a way, I got to be in the shoes of my own friends, trying to find the words, or lack of, to express often what can't really be expressed. I hurt for her and her hubby knowing that they'd just gone from announcing the good news, to having to suddenly deal with the bad.
At the same time, I was trying hard not to project how I felt in my experience, on my friend who was going through it, and I think I am learning that we all deal with things, sometimes similarly, but mostly differently. I needed to remember this as I sometimes have expectations that others will react like me, which is a silly expectation but something that I do. I just hope I was there for her and wasn't too intense about it all.
A close friend also pointed out that the fact that when you are dealing with the loss of a baby in light of infertility, which was the case for me, that is also an added factor for difference in reactions, and that was helpful for me to think through too. (Thanks.)
Overall, it just sucks to see others hurt.
The husband hasn't been feeling all that healthy the past months too, and is on his own medical trail. (Together we are keeping both private and public medical sectors busy- this is what a phlebotomist said to me the other day, after she saw us for the second time in a short space of time. She's pretty much become one of my best friends- when we hang out we chat but we don't have coffee, we just exchange forms and she draws my blood.)
It is confusing seeing him go through this. I feel like our relationship in the last couple years has been about constantly finding ourselves on shifting ground, and here we are again on a new platform of jello. Here we are trying to figure out both my gynaelogical things and his mysterious health stuff- chasing down test results, referrals and faxed-throughs. How did we get here? He's the stable one between us two. He's not supposed to be unwell.
(I'll be honest. I have also thought over how all this is affecting MY plan to try again soon. Which is pretty small-minded in light of the stress that he's going through. But that is a constant battle in my head. )
It is very hard to see him worry. I want to protect him, but I can't- and I know this is how he has felt about me too in these past months. Its funny- you want vulnerability in a relationship, especially marriage, but you don't necessarily want the circumstances that come with it.
But God is also taking us to a depth in our relationship with Him and each other, that we are not going to know of otherwise.
(Oh God what will tomorrow bring? Please keep our eyes on you.)
On another level there have been some small pleasures, walking a sweet old dog for a friend, Dunkin Donuts, a coffee together at the beach before summer weather really goes...
... we can do one day at a time.