Saturday, April 16, 2011

"Is this your first baby?"

(avoid conversation with this woman! she often doesn't know what to say and cries easily! haha.)

When we were at the wedding in Nelson a couple weekends ago, this was a question that came up a few times. I've asked it myself and I really don't mind it as it is just a part of conversation, as what they are actually asking is, "Do you have any other kids?"

But it caught me by surprise when it was asked of me! Because I know the simple answer is 'Yes'. And yet the more correct answer is 'No'. And yet I didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, because they really weren't asking for my life-story.

Then again I'm someone who likes meaningful conversation, so I find myself torn and hesitating for a split second, which I'm sure seems weird if you were the 'asker' as you'd think it'd be a pretty easy one!

Anyway. I usually just answer a polite yes, so that the whole group conversation can move on... but last night, I got a little bold.

I was at someone's house and I got talking with one woman. Maybe because it was a one-to-one conversation and we already knew her husband a little, I'm not sure... so when she asked me, "Is this your first baby?", I decided to take the plunge and I said, "Well, you know, this is actually not my first pregnancy, but yes it is the first baby that has come this far along and we're stoked!"

I wasn't sure where this was going to take us but I trust that this was God thing because then we went on to have a conversation about infertility. She shared with me that they have gone through infertility themselves, have not been able to get pregnant, and are currently living life as two.

We didn't get to chat for very long, but it was a major connection point (had to blink back tears), and I appreciate that she opened up. It is a tough topic to be talking about with someone you just met! On my end of course it is always special to share with someone like her that I'm pregnant, as she understands how huge of a miracle it is too.

I'm not sure where I was heading with this post! But I guess I was thinking, sometimes it is worth the risk being vulnerable as you never know, you might find someone who's been on a similar path too! (And it is kinda like a painfully special scar you share.)

8 comments:

Amel said...

Ahhhh...although I've never been pregnant, but I can understand what you're saying. Sometimes when I'm asked about kids, I want to launch a full-page explanation about why we haven't had kids yet and why we don't want to try anything (adoption, treatment), but as you said in some cases it may be just "too much" he he he he...but in other cases it DOES feel wonderful to be able to open up and make a connection with someone who's been through a similar experience (I mean in terms of IF).

Sas said...

Yeah amel, i think IF and baby loss have similar themes- loss of a dream, unsure-ness about the future, etc. so there are things that are familiar to both. of course i know they are also different... but definitely in a similar 'family'of experience... something so comforting about making a new friend who gets it huh?

Amel said...

Oh yeah, it's true that even though IFers have different experiences and "losses", but it feels GREAT to meet others who "get it" he he...it makes you feel less alone and it makes you feel that you're "normal" he he he he he...THANKS for your encouragement on my blog btw. :-)))

KiwiChristy said...

Hey, Sas...even though I haven't experienced IF personally, I know when I am sharing about your story I get asked that question too and I hesitate also wondering how much of your journey to share. Thank you for sharing it with me so I can have those special conversations with others and be a more empathetic ear to them. Love you!!!

Grace said...

i'm so glad you were able to share and have that moment! yeah, it's always hard to know how much to share, but how awesome that when you did open up, the *right* person was listening?? totally a God moment!

Barbara said...

I found myself having to answer tha questions a lot when I was pregnant with Matthew. My answer depended on my mood that day but also on how the question was worded, because it may have been my first pregnancy, but it was NOT my first baby!! But like your situation, sometimes, you feel led to share, and it's just a God-thing. I met some neat people with whom I could connect on a deeper level after sharing my story from time to time. And after you say you've adopted, people naturally assume you had IF issues, leading you down yet another path...

PJ said...

Great post. I know what you mean. I don't want to act as though my other pregnancies didn't happen but at the same time, answering with a "This will be my first child on Earth - the others are in Heaven", could be a bit full-on for some people!

It sounds as though you were able to be discerning there - a God thing! It also made me think: by being open and honest on your blog, you've really helped me without even realising and I wonder how many others you've helped that you don't know about...

Teri said...

Hey friend, been catching up today. I've been absent from the blog world way too long. Loved this post. Continuing to pray for you all. July is just around the corner!