Tuesday was the day I tried it all...
I had a couple bleak days at the beginning of this week. Hate how it makes me feel like I'm empty at the core. No wonder they call this infertility thing a monster, it rears its ugly head so unexpectedly... Everything makes you cry and everything makes you angry.
(Maybe that's how Venus F feels...)
Maybe it is the currently wonky hormones, maybe it was because I randomly decided to be smart and look up a information sheet on adoption where some random fact just made my hope levels plunge to the bottom, I'm not sure. I think I just get sick of it sometimes. Sick of waiting, sick of being patient, sick of planning my life around 'maybes'... so I just got sad.
So anyway, I went to the mall after my early work-shift. Yes, I love shopping. I love looking at clothes and just looking out for good buys. Ahhh... instant bliss.
Um, not long-lasting though.
The knot in my stomach did not totally go away. I even had a bit of sushi to see if that would ease my prickly emotions. I love sushi. But my appetite is insatiable.
I went home and went out for a walk. Walking is good cos' it makes you breathe. I took my MP3 player with me intending to listen to some music (ahhh music is good...) as I walked as it was a beautiful and cold wintry day with pure blue skies...
...but the battery was dead. Haha. I felt like Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas Eve.
So I stomped my way around the block and back. It was good but by then I'd realised my thought patterns were just going round and round in circles, a variety pack of all the things I could be insecure about were swarming like bees in a hive.
I knew the best thing was to focus on God's word. I read through a bunch of Psalms and tried to concentrate on the words. (Why didn't I start with that, I don't know.)
I know I say it often but I love turning to the Psalms.
Lord thank you for soothing my sour pruneyness
Some days I feel so lost, but knowing you are at the end of the road is my ultimate comfort.
I also texted a friend in a similar place to me, and it was a relief to know I was not alone. Thank you God for her.
The last thing I should've done to cap the day off would've been to bake a bunch of chocolate-chip-laden cookies and down them with a big cup of tea. But I didn't have time... all my frustrations had fast-forwarded me to dinner time.
(That's probably how you age quicky- be bitter. UhOh. Makes you pruney inside AND out.)
I did have to have a cup of tea with a close friend after dinner though. And that was also a fine way to spend the evening.
But life is weird. I feel like I never know what tomorrow brings.
I feel more 'normal' now. Or close at least. Thankyouverymuch.
(Maybe I should've had nutella on white bread for dessert... )
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