Married for 8 Years (almost)

This year the husband and I will celebrate our eight year anniversary.

It is just a few days away and this past weekend we got the opportunity to go away for a night, while my mom had Toby. (Yes he stayed overnight for the second time and it was a success- yuss! Missed him though, was very weird not having him for a day.)

Even though it was barely 24 hours of time-out, it was really special and I had a great time.

We didn't venture far from where we live- just to Takapuna, um pretty much round the corner really. Unfortunately the weather was not great- windy and a bit of rain, so we didn't go for a walk on the beach or anything, but generally good enough for us.

We had wandered around the shops, had Starbucks (Christmas drinks are out!), checked out the place we were staying at, had pizza (very quickly cos' we were a bit tight on time), went to a movie (Intouchables- French movie, SO GOOD, you have to watch it.)...

We also got to sleep in (no dog and no kid to wake us up), had breakfast at a little cafe I'd been thinking of trying (ran past it multiple times on my long runs and watched people stop in for coffee, so glad I finally got to go in) called Mimosa, and went to the Takapuna Sunday Markets. Then had Starbucks again because yes we are that deprived.

I found some Christmas glass ornaments to match some others I have (love!), a gift for a friend, some beautiful calla lilies (that were supposed to be for my mom for helping with Toby but I forgot to take them to her house-doh!) and an old porcelain deer (yes I've named it Bambi already) for my shelf which I'm considering spray painting but we will see.

It was pretty much all the things you could do on a date packed into one, but it was still leisurely and I loved spending precious time with the husband.

Just wanted to remember it so thought I'd put it down here.

Today is also Thanksgiving in the States. I'm not American but I'm always happy to adopt that celebration- very thankful for my husband and all that I have around me. Have a lovely weekend.

Being Brave

This is what I posted on Facebook the other day. 

I'm not usually that vulnerable on Facebook and I was nervous doing it! But two special friends have gone through losses recently and that night I found out a third friend just had too, so it was just really heavy on my heart, as I sensed they were surprised by the sadness, etc. 

Anyway. Here it is:

On Tuesday I decided to buy flowers. What is it about flowers... A beautiful reminder of God's creation maybe.

3 years ago this week we said goodbye to a baby we got to carry for 12 weeks of pregnancy. My precious friend took me to the hospital and later that day I followed J out to the car park with no baby- as if we were just visitors. I remember the lonely corridors. How empty. Hollow. 

Mayb

e this was all right. I looked normal; I could walk. But my heart broke into a million pieces when I got home and emptied the hospital's brown paper bag of my dirty clothes, and I realised I had nothing. Nothing left of my baby. Invisible.

Gutted.

Yes I have J. And today I have Toby and God has continued to bless us with good things that we celebrate. It is not about not being thankful.

That little life was treasured. We never stop wondering what Baby N would've looked like or felt like. The baby was real.

This is a bit of a step out for me. But my thoughts are going out to the other women or couples who have been here too. And are here today. I know it is 'common' but it doesn't make it easier.

You did not get to meet tiny bud, but your loss is real. Grief is ugly.Your heart is indescribably heavy right now. No one wants to talk about it but many try to say nice things. And some want you to move on. But be mournful if you need to and for a time there really is nothing that needs to be said.

I believe that one day there will be answers to our questions and joyous reunions... and I am praying that God comforts you with his great arms of love and you find healing in his saving grace. Please know in those moments of deep sadness, you are not alone.

"So. Big Gulps."

Hello! I'm here!

How many times have I said that?

Unfortunately there has been a big pause. Not that there hasn't been things to talk about. There's never things I run out of wanting to say. I sooo want to keep this blog going but I'm doing a terrible job of it.

If you guys are still out there, thanks for reading. I appreciate you so much. If not, that's ok. I probably won't know.

Last night I could not sleep because I had too much caffeine. If two cups of tea could be considered too much! I'm useless at caffeine I tell ya. I thought of all the things I wanted to do!

So I thought I'd try my best to capture some of that urgency by doing a quick post now.

Life is really much the same. Except Toby is 16 months now. I know. Huge.

He's really chatty and walks fast (can't quite run just yet)... and we love him to bits.

(messy at meals)

(busy busy always busy)

Do you remember me saying I was going to do a marathon? Well I did it! 4 hours and 47 minutes later... I got to the finish line! It was a big day.

 I feel so proud of myself and was so filled with emotion finishing it. I could not have done it without my running-mate KP who did it with me- trained with me for the last three months and cheered me on endlessly. (She pretty much cheered the whole marathon troupe on- we had people stopping to ask her how she had so much energy!)

(evidence that I did run it)

I also could not have done it without the husband as it has been his commitment as much as mine... As well as all my other super encouraging friends and fam. Some of which were there on the day cheering on us from the sidelines. What a difference it made!

(us and our medals and um... free stuff at the end)

And just to let you know I have not done much since. Haha worst 'down-training' ever. My one foot has been hurting so I'm resting it. That's what I'm saying. 

I went to a Coldplay concert on Saturday night here in Auckland. That was my other 30th birthday 'thing', besides the marathon. I spent my birthday money on the ticket and it was (so expensive but) totally awesome. I actually had some kind of awful bug the night before and was sure I wouldn't make it but I did! I loved it. There was confetti, blow-up lanterns, fireworks, lots of colour and they sounded great.

(Have to admit I sorta got nervous prior when I saw that they were coming on stage at 9pm and nowadays I am really trying to get ready for bed by then haha.)

Not to end on a downer but just on a different note, the last couple days have been interesting for me too as I've felt more emotional about the anniversary of one of the babies we lost (today, 12 November, 3 years ago).

This has actually quite taken me by surprise as I really have not been that focused on it. (This is my safe place where I say stuff, so it might seem like I talk about it a lot if you are reading my posts in one sitting ever.)

But God has really shown me His love through loss and I do cling to that. I just find it curious that it doesn't take much for me to feel that deep heartache- such as when I'm playing with Toby and realise that I won't get to know Baby N like this... or a song that reminds me...

Anyway. Bought beautiful flowers today to commemorate the memory. Looking forward to seeing the peonies bloom. Yay!

Life in general is good but filled up with just normal life things! How do people do it? I'm obviously such a terrible juggler of roles. I haven't even showered today- thought that was supposed to be a 'mother of newborn baby' problem! (9pm right now people.)

I think because I do things like run people think I'm a super-mom. Honestly the comments I got from achieving that marathon-goal were of course lovely to get but also a little misled maybe!

Life is messy. My house is messy.

I love it though. I love having Toby and being able to be his mother. Thankful for that definitely.

How are you doing?