Can I Walk With You...

Stuff and Things and Misc.

2012-02-23T21:05:00.001+13:00

Just for a bit of fun, and non-seriousness... Here are some random everyday things about me/us/going-ons.

Toby is now more established on solids. He isn't a massive eater, but here are some things he's tried:

carrots, pumpkin, kumara (sweet potato), avocado, peas, corn, chicken, beef, pork, apple, pear, nectarine, peach, banana, prune, apricot, pasta, rice, oats, egg, custard, zuchinni (or courgettes), capsicum, spinach, broccoli, etc... sounds like a lot when I list it out...

Toby has a sock monkey that he has to have to go to bed, along with his thumb. It is super cute but also means we have to make sure Socks is around. Now we have two. Thankfully Socks is a Beanie Baby and we found another him on ebay- yay for mass produced toys!

I got a new USB drive for our photos the other day. Okay for Toby's photos really. I'm paranoid that our computer will crash and we'll lose them. Especially after losing our Christmas photos as I left my camera at the beach when we were on holiday- painful. I started loading them yesterday but I realised that just from 2011 (he was born in July), we already have 6GB of photos! Ridiculous. I mean, given I haven't really gone through properly and deleted the crappy ones... that's still a lot of photos. And I only got a 16GB thingy.

Camera suggesions anyone? Just a basic easy-peasy kinda one.

(This is Toby as a 'baa-baa black sheep' but it didn't really turn out great as he kept moving. Fair enough. I'm still proud of my other work where I made him look like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup!)

Tomorrow I'm going to get a manicure with my friend C. The husband got me a voucher for Christmas and I'm excited to be using it. Plus I haven't hung out with her for ages and it is much needed. (Only bummer is on Monday I couldn't remember why I had such long nails, as I usually keep them short, so I snipped them all off. Then right after that I realised I was keeping them long for the manicure appointment so they could trim them nicely and so maybe I could maybe get French-tipped ones... OH WELL.)

You know how I like to shop? Well since becoming a mom I've lost all ability to think when I'm in a mall. I think I have so much pent-up shoppingness that when I get to do it, I just don't know where to start. Probably a good thing for everybody.

The other morning I used my husband's toothbrush by accident. How? I don't know- it was a totally different colour to mine. He's got a new toothbrush now.

I'm in dire need for a blog design lesson. I did some html stuff at university but that was like seven whole years ago! Ugh. Any tips on where to start?

Last night I lay in bed thinking about this post, like what to write (yes I do that a lot), but I don't remember what I was wanting to say (do have a writing pad beside my bed for those brilliant moments but didn't use it of course) so that's me for today.

Have a great weekend!

Ten (plus one) things at 10PM

2012-02-22T23:04:00.001+13:00

I've been wanting to write more about what life is like as a mother. Here's a list of ten.

1. When you have a baby, you are forced to live in the NOW. Someone else said this and I found it so correct. It is a huge brain adjustment!

2. It can get lonely. Not in the socialising sense, but because as the main caregiver, you're the main one your baby needs (and needs a lot) and it is a peculiar thing to experience. You might have a lot in common with other moms but it is still different. I'm not sure how much this makes sense!

3. It is truly hard to think of other things. My brain is full to the brim of things relating to the home or Toby (food, naps, things to do, things to buy, things to plan), and I have to really concentrate (or write a lot of lists) to make sure I'm thinking of the other major things in my life too. Not that we should feel the pressure to be super.

4. But the pressure to be super-woman is there. Some days it feels like you've only done the dishes all day. Or you didn't even take a shower. And you feel like looking after your child was not a good enough achievement, even when you know it is.

5. It is awesome. I have a baby. I have a son. He is growing a tooth at the moment. He is growing up fast!

6. It is a lot of fun learning all the quirks and observing how Toby does new things everyday. It is amazing!

7. Experiencing the 'growing up fast' thing first hand is interesting. There is such a tension wanting your child to grow up yet not wanting them to do that at the same time!

8. I fear sounding greedy but seeing people pregnant starts to get hard again. Or things like talking with new mom friends about how they got pregnant can be painful... because most people don't know what our story was like and I can't expect them to can I!

9. Sadly some days I'm just as critical as I ever was when I see families with a few children. I assume that it has been easier for them than it has been for me. Back to being all about me!

10. Insecurity. With change, my insecurities seem to show up. These past seven months I've noticed that they have. Maybe combined with hormones. Maybe combined with the tiredness. Maybe combined with change in relationships like marriage, etc.

11. On a lighter note, you get to really love some products and things around the home like baby wipes. OH MY. Awesome invention. And cups- stacking cups, coloured cups, plastic cups. Toby loves them so I love them... haha!

Anyway. I know I listed a few things that seem 'negative' but that's not what I intended to do. It is just what's been real for me. I wouldn't change my current situation for anything in the world.

And totally. Feel free to tell me off if I'm taking my mom-hood for granted.

A Day to Remember

2012-02-22T22:23:00.001+13:00

Today is the 22nd of February, a day of varied emotions! Our work/ministry celebrates its second birthday, but we also commemorate the first anniversary of a major earthquake that took place in Christchurch and caused many lives to be lost.

At the same time I praise God that a friend who has suffered many baby losses has had some crazy good news, and feel sad for another friend who is riding the difficult rollercoaster of infertility...

Life is so full of mixed emotions and experiences. Loss and life, hope and disappointment. Yet it feels odd that I still did the laundry today, cooked a meal, went to the mall, and am here typing in my safe home. Daily life still has to go on. How does that work?

Toby - 7 mths

2012-02-07T14:56:00.001+13:00

Thanks for all your thoughts guys I appreciate them so much.

Toby is 7 months (eeks). Here is a little update and a bunch of pics.

(I LOVE this pic!) We can kind of sit up but sometimes mom looks away and... bonk!

This was our first plane ride... to Wellington for a wedding.

(Airplane bib was actually not planned!)

We did really good and just slept for most of it- phew. Now we'll see about that long-distance one to Canada in June...

Camo-stripey pjs.

Eat everything.

Chub-baby legs.

Swimming is a bit intimidating but we're warming up to it...

Nice to have dad with us.

We're getting good on our belly and now we're lifting our hips too! We can sorta slide backwards.

Happy Chinese New Year Toby! (with grandma)

What to do!

2012-01-26T17:26:00.003+13:00

Since getting pregnant (which is like a long long time ago), I think I have been confused about what to do with this blog. I'm sure my posts reflect that too!

My original intention was clear- I wanted this to be a place for me to talk about infertility and miscarriage but also for others to maybe feel less alone by reading about it too.

Of course it has given me a place to write things I would not know how to express in real life too.

Now that I am a mom to Toby, most of my every day experiences are about him or with him. Yet I find myself holding back talking too much about him because I've wanted to keep my original intentions with this blog. Which doesn't really work for a blog does it?

I wonder if I just need to let my blogging reflect that I'm a parent. Like starting a new chapter... though a bit delayed haha (which is so me!)

I guess that's also where the website idea comes into play. I'm still hoping I (and the husband) can be helpful to those going through infertility and miscarriage in some way. I feel like I still have lots I can put into a resource of some sort, especially for Christian women in New Zealand. So maybe that's where I can put all that thought/emotion and experience. Hmmm?

Honest thoughts welcome!

New Year New Thoughts (Kinda)

2012-01-21T17:37:00.001+13:00

I'm having trouble catching up on blogs because my desktop computer uses Explorer and Blogger is telling me that they prefer me to use Google Chrome, so my dashboard is not loading! Not cool. Anyone else having this problem?

So I can post from here (using my ipod touch) but reading blogs isn't so great. Sorry I'm so out of touch with you blog friends out there!

I'm having a late start to the year organisationally it seems. Probably just a me-thing too. New calendar not up, dates for diary not transferred, lists of things to do lying around but not compiled into anything useful!

What are some things you hope to see happen or do this year? Big things, small things, etc. Or on another level, What can we also be praying for each other for?

1. Big idea 1 - I have this idea to start a website.

It sort of stems off having this blog, but I want something that's more of a resource for others out there. Something still for those going through waiting, infertility and baby loss but also for their spouses, friends and family. For example I have learnt that many husbands feel a bit lost too... So it could be a place for them to find out how to better understand their wives?

Blogs tend to be more personal, journally and chronological while it'd be cool to have something more topical or question based where it is easier to search for stuff. Hmm. I don't want to replace good resources out there too but I do think we can fit somewhere.

I am so excited about this idea! But I also am a bit unsure where to start! I have thoughts spilling out of me! And er when will I have time? Struggling as it is with blogging!

Praying also to approach it in a way God wants me to.

What do you think?

2. Fitness - I would like to get bit more fit again. Typical I know. But hear me out.

I have been fortunate that my body has managed to resume its pre-preg shape- sort of haha!

But truth is I am not actually fit on the inside as I barely do anything resembling exercise. And for someone like me, it'd be good to have a challenge. So I'm trying to come up with a plan to do something fitness-sy this year.

I don't know how women out there do it! It is so hard working it around Toby's schedule. We'll see...

3. Time with God and prayer life- I really struggle with this. Not that I want to get legalistic about it but I'm so on the opposite end right now.

Specifically, I just have felt very convicted about praying about some specific happenings in my family life in the past few years, yet I haven't acted on them.

I think I also haven't been brave enough because they are hard topics that I don't like thinking about. Yikes. So I want to do something about this.

Ok that's some of the stuff I'm thinking about for 2012. What about you?

(Photos: here is a pic of Toby and I, and some others of him, like with his monkey called Socks, plus one of the summer sky the other night just before 9pm- ah summer! )

MerryChristmasHappyNewYearandEverything

2012-01-13T22:30:00.001+13:00

Leading up to Christmas eve I was so sure I was going to fit in a blog post... Now it is two weeks into the new year. We took down our decorations today and I'm finally trying to type out a blog post- from our iPod touch, a fancy Christmas present we got from generous family! We were so spoiled.

How are you?

We had a lovely time over Christmas though it was busy. It was special celebrating it this time with a baby.

I took lots of photos of Toby but I lost my camera with them all in it when we went on a short holiday soon after new year's. A week ago exactly actually. Yes. Big pity party please. ugh. I can't even bear to think of it still.

Anyway I'm going to post this as a test and see how it goes...

Here are some photos I have on here: Toby on his belly in his cot (he keeps rolling over which is great but doesn't know how to roll back!), some lovely Christmas cookies from my friend and her son, and us after christmas morning fun-mayhem haha!

I hope you had a lovely start to the year!

Celebrating

2011-11-28T22:11:00.000+13:00

(Thank you Ch for the lovely time!)

These last few days we've had American Thanksgiving (joined in with some friends who are like family), it was our seventh wedding anniversary and today it is Toby's 5th month birthday (is that how you say it)!

SO much to celebrate and give thanks for.

Thankful for all the good things in life like food, friends, mom who babysits, cute movies like Arthur Christmas (that's what we watched on our night out haha), groupon-type vouchers (that's what we had for our anniversary meal- wasn't great but we did have three courses which was fun!) and a sweet baby.

I also got to go to a baby shower of a friend who is having a baby after waiting for a time, and having one miscarriage. We got to know each other via our little prayer group at church! It was a special shower and so exciting. It was also neat to know that the prayer support meant so much to her and her family. God does cool things.

Here are some pics.

I love you despite the mo.

Toby today.

Toby the other day looking a little crazy after testing out some pumpkin on him.

Toby's place setting at his Thanksgiving dinner. (Though he spent most of it on the floor trying to roll around...)

Hanging with dad.

10 Quick Things- will I make it?

2011-11-20T14:24:00.002+13:00

So yes I'm gonna squeeze in two posts in a go again! (Here's the other one.)

I used to do this thing called '10 Things at Ten A.M.'...

It is not 10am, and I don't know if I have ten things but here goes:

1. We are moving along into summer and I love it. It is also coming into Christmas which is fab. I'm excited! It will be special to have a Christmas with a baby. Another part of a dream come true really.

2. I've wanted to make an advent calendar for a while now and I'm hoping to get one done but it is about 10 days before the end of November and I haven't started! (If you're on pinterest too let me know!)

3. I have finally transitioned into wearing some clothing with zips and buttons! I've tried on my jeans- I can pull them on but sitting down might cause breathing problems. haha.

4. This coming Saturday (27th) we celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary! Looking forward to a nice dinner and hopefully a movie with the husband. We're thinking to go to one of those with the luxury seats.

5. I watched 'Twilight- Breaking Dawn' the other day- on the first day it was out. Haha. I haven't read the books nor am I an avid fan but I have friends who are and it has just been a fun thing to do that with them. The husband came along too! It was super cool to go out and do that, even if it was just down the road.

6. Toby has a passport! We are planning to travel to Canada and the US next June/July to visit family as he hasn't yet met his Canadian fam.

7. Having a baby means that marriage is different- redefined? It is taking a bit of figuring out. It is tricky being a wife to my husband and a mother to my child, and both at the same time. And yet having needs myself. I don't know if that makes sense. We'll come back to that another day haha.

8. I am thankful for the husband- he is a great help and I love seeing him with Toby.

9. Did I ever share that my friend Ch was at my labour? It rocked having someone there besides the husband and the mid-wife! She was awesome. We even rung her at 1am and she came soon after. Then she had to say for something like another 12 hours! Blessed to have a friend like that.

10. Ah! someone at the door. talk more soon.

It was my mom. She came to say hi to Toby.

Toby - almost 5 months

2011-11-20T13:52:00.000+13:00

Toby is 5 months in about a week! Here is an assortment of photos from the past few weeks.

The husband is doing Movember (Yes. Like for real.) so we thought we'd have some fun getting mo's for Toby too. Why not make use of some cuteness to raise money for a good cause (Men's prostate cancer and also mental health awareness)?

This is what happens when you have a mother who loves random ideas and sometimes actually carries them out. (They don't sell Reese's Peanut Butter Cups here in NZ, but we like it when we get it brought over- my sis-in-law gave the husband a t-shirt and I gathered the rest...)

'She said to keep still.'

We always have smiles for daddy!

We have matching work t-shirts.

Thanks Michelle for my baby toy tool set!

Drying off after a bath... He loves being in the bathroom. (We use the big bath now but I haven't figured out the best way to hold him him slipping and without getting an aching back! He's got a bath seat but is getting too big for it... just gotta hold on til he sits up.)

Oooh Oooh Oooh

2011-11-08T20:00:00.000+13:00

(Ok. Still not going strong with the blogging!

ANYWAY.)

I just got told about another NZ-based book about infertility, A Common Thread. Thanks Jill! Finding books written here is so exciting! While doing this, I stumbled onto another NZ blog, Cherished, by Sally who is a mother now via adoption and fertility. As well as Thursday's Babies, a sort of prayer network/ministry started by some ladies here.

Looking forward to looking into these!

Pics!

2011-10-29T16:04:00.000+13:00

(A couple weeks ago I tried to go for a walk around the block with him in the baby bjorn... but he fell asleep!)

(This was me trying to take a passport photo of him. But he was a little too excited so I kept getting these funny expressions. We went to the store to do it haha.)

(This was a recent family pic. Look at his rosy cheeks!)

(So I often find him all over the place in his cot. Here's one...)

(You almost always will find him like this for his afternoon nap.)

(This was us at the Rugby World Cup Final party at my friend C's.)

(Just showin' off my All Black cupcakes. They won they won they won!)

Happy 4 Months!

2011-10-29T14:01:00.001+13:00

Yesterday Toby turned four months! Yes four. Already!

I love walking into his room in the morning because he is often chatting to himself and gets all wriggly and excited when he sees me. It is priceless.

He can get very chatty- loud too. It is fun and adorable now, but I wonder if he'll be a chatterbox when he's older. He's his dad's son I guess haha!

We seem to have reached a good spot. He's napping really well and sleeps through in the nights too. I'm soaking it all in before the next 'phase' starts- Solids? Crawling/ movement? etc.

I'm not much off from my pre-pregnancy weight but I can't help but be thinking about it. Maybe it is because summer is coming and I'm wondering how I'm going to fit into shorts with zippers and buttons! So far I have been embracing elastic clothing with arms open wide- pretty much just wearing my maternity clothing.

I am trying to not be too concerned about it but it is often a thought that lingers! Grrrrrrr.

I have to admit. I think a lot about having a second child. I would love for Toby to have a sibling. I was looking on trademe the other day and I found myself wishing I had a need for a double stroller- you know those cool front and back ones.

I don't necessarily want one right now, but I get nervous about the thought that it could be another rocky road to having another, so I get a quite desperate and panicky. It was worse when I just had Toby, but now it seems to have subsided. I feel okay. I feel like I can wait.

I don't know whether we will be able to have a second child but I'm learning to try and enjoy each day I get with Toby as the days do pass by so quickly.

I've also been thinking a lot about contentment. And how infertility stuff revolves around that constant tension of being hopeful yet being content at the same time. A big mystery I tell 'ya.

Toby is a good good boy. I cannot ask for a better baby and I'm so thankful for him.

Gonna post more pics in a next post.

Miscarriage Link

2011-10-10T21:38:00.001+13:00

Here's a post about dealing with miscarriage that my friend Steph shared. There are no rules for how to go through it, but is helpful to hear how different people deal with it... some things I connect with in here too...
The Baby I Never Knew

Growing

2011-10-07T17:49:00.000+13:00

I am enjoying being a mother. Already with a small baby it can be unrelenting and tiring but it is also just so awesome to have a child. My own live baby. Yikes!

I wondered if this (motherhood) would change the impact infertility has had on me and I'm sure in different ways it has. However, I also feel like it has actually stretched my heart in feeling more for those who are waiting or dealing with not being able to have kids- because being a mother is pretty special. Like I feel more intensely empathetic.

I didn't expect this!

(Oh but don't get me wrong I don't believe it is the 'highest-calling' as some may put it, as serving God is our highest-calling really, but being a mother is a God-given desire and I feel priviledged to be able to be in this role.)

Anyway. That's one of the things I've been thinking. I'm sure I could've made it shorter. ha.

Here are some fun 'comparison shots' of Toby, from when he was a week or two weeks old (left side) to 12-13 weeks. Crazy how fast they grow huh!

Bloglets?

2011-10-06T16:50:00.000+13:00

So I'm struggling to bust out blog posts, even though I really want to. I have lots of little thoughts I save up for emails to various people as well as for blog posts for this blog! I even 'owe' blogposts for my work blog. Yikes.

Anyway, saving up thoughts becomes such a problem because I don't have the luxury of time to string them together like I usually would.

As I type this Toby is making unhappy noises from his cot. He's supposed to be having a nap but he's not. Even though I'm fine to leave him for a while, as he's not quite released the hounds yet, it is distracting. I have just boiled some water for a cup of tea, and I've got things on the to-do list. My mind is sort of everywhere.

I guess this is my new life! So I was thinking I'll should really try to form smaller blog posts in my mind. Maybe even just a couple sentences. I want this blog to still be helpful for others on their journey, not just about Toby (as much as he is awesome)...

We'll see. I'll try out my new BLOGLETs idea. (Or should it be postlets?) Hopefully will pump one out soon haha!

3 months

2011-09-22T21:08:00.000+12:00

Toby is 12 weeks this week! (Not sure whether to count the weeks or months. If we follow the date, he's 3 months next week.) ANYWAY. He totally rocks the party that rocks the party. Even if I'm sooooo wanting a nice sit down on the couch with a cup of tea. I love him.

Here are pics from the past month...

(She made me wear this!)

(What I look at for a large part of the day...)

(Smiley kiddo!)

(Rugby FEVER!)

(LOVE staring at his little feet...)

(Sometimes we get propped up on the couch haha...)

(Oops supposed to rotate this but oh well... sweet close up.)

(First nail cutting accident. DAD did it.)

(On tummy. He's not a fan... BUT so cute.)

Retreat Idea

2011-09-12T18:19:00.002+12:00

A friend of mine who lives in the US went to one of these recently- a retreat for couples who have lost a child after they were born... so glad she and her husband got to go.

I have been thinking that it would be so good to have something like that here too, including other ones for couples who have gone through miscarriage and also those dealing with infertility. I don't think we have any resources like this in NZ... something to pray for!

Oh ya

2011-09-06T14:03:00.001+12:00

Saw
this post
the other day. On adoption and waiting. Talk more later.

Two Digits!

2011-09-06T13:58:00.000+12:00

Toby is ten whole weeks today. We are doing well. Here are some achievements:
1. Survived 6-week shots- vaccinations. The husband held him, not me- I couldn't watch!

2. We have officially graduated out of newborn clothes and diapers and are ploughing through the 3-mth outfits. Thankful we got given so many clothes as gifts.

3. Toby smiles a lot and "chats", which is really lovely because other than that they don't do much at this age!

4. With some perseverance we've managed to sleep through the night a few times. Praying we can continue! The difference it makes between waking at 4am and waking at 7am is amazing- definitely a nicer mom haha.

5. We've breastfed for 10 weeks! That's like 7 x 7 x 10 = 490 feeds roughly. RIDICULOUS. Though I've had a few rounds of clogged ducts (PAIN) and I really don't like expressing (super frustrating)... Thankful no major issues for now.

Yes it is still surreal that we have a son. And that he's super cute.

(Fell asleep in my car seat waiting for disorganised mom and dad to leave- probably packing my diaper bag.)

(Big chats with dad while propped up on the couch.)

(bib-tastic.)

(I don't really like hats...)

(...but mom makes me pose in them anyway!)

Fog

2011-08-14T15:49:00.000+12:00

How are you doing out there?

We've made it to 6 weeks. They say you feel like you're stuck in a cloud for about 6 to 8 weeks after having a baby. SO RIGHT.

My main thoughts through the day are:
1. Get out of PJS/When will I have a shower?
2. Which side (boob) did I feed on last?
3. What laundry do we need done next?
4. What time is it?
5. What day is it?
6. Lord, is am I doing this right?
7. Sleep baby, please sleep.

We're doing good overall. I have my days. I've been a bit nervous about 'the blues' and post-natal depression but as far as I know, I'm in the normal realm of mom-hood and I'm thankful for that. (Hopefully will have time to say more another day.)

The little man has already grown to 5.2kgs! He was 3.6kg when he came out. So fast. He's already popping out of newborn stuff, like nappies (diapers) and we're on to the next!

He's also smiling and making some coo-ing sounds, which is very sweet.

(my fave pic at the mo!)

(us, out and about!)

I think about this blog a lot and have so many little things saved up to say. But this will have to be me for now!

Survival...

2011-07-28T18:32:00.000+12:00

That seems to be the name of the game at the moment!

We are one month into this mom-hood thing and it is crazy hard. I don't know how you can love a little thing so much and yet I am still feeling very lost! See, my sentences don't even really make sense do they?

Anyway. We've made it to one month so that's worth a big HURRAH! We're also having a Chinese dinner celebration on Saturday as the Chinese are big on the one month milestone.

To be honest, all I am thinking about these days is when to feed, when to change, when to sleep, and if we try and go out- how to feed, how to change and how to sleep. Talking about Toby of course. But pretty much the same questions for myself!

People around me say we are doing well so I'm thankful for that and trying to soak it in... but my brain doesn't always compute and this life is so so new to me! Sadly, waiting four years doesn't mean you'll be better at adjusting to being a mom haha.

In the meantime, Toby is a lovely baby. Growing fast and furiously... while mom is trying to catch up with the hugeness of it all!

Here are some new pics.

(c'mon sleepyhead!)

(nice and snuggly. lovehim lovehim lovehim.)

(he was checking out the mobile then he spotted us...)

(getting weighed haha! he's put on 1kg in 1 month!)

(sometimes we just can't be bothered getting pants on and um matching is not a priority...)

(baby on skype!)

Book!

2011-07-18T18:54:00.001+12:00

I haven't read this book yet but I spotted this in a local magazine.

It is called Baby Gone by Jenny Douche and it is a NZ-based book to do with personal stories of infertility, loss, etc. Kinda neat that it is from here- something I've been looking out for. If you've read it, let me know- might order it too... Here's the publisher's description.

Toby- 3 weeks

2011-07-18T18:49:00.001+12:00

Toby will be 3 weeks tomorrow! I have so many things to say but I am having trouble getting to the computer! We are doing well but also have been fighting a cold- yes both of us, ugh.

He's been a fab little guy- eating and sleeping well. I'm the one still adjusting and may be for a while haha. Here are a bunch of photos for now...

traffic jam camo!

we don't like being changed...

oops. spit-up. (if you're wondering about the off-shoulder top, it is because that shirt is too small for him and uh yes that is a sock we are using as a mitten haha...)

trying out some tummy-time!

i want food!

this was his first bath at home...

He's Here He's Here He's Here!!!

2011-07-04T15:48:00.001+12:00

My son Toby was born on the 28th of June, Tuesday at 1:23pm NZ time. He weighed 8 lb and is doing so well.

Labour was not good but we survived and we got our baby here.

We are constantly fascinated by this little life that has landed in our laps (quite literally really). We are doing okay but it is definitely a mixture of mad excitement and overwhelming responsibility.

We have a baby son in our house! Ahh!

Anyway. Here are some pics. Talk more soon!

(few hours old!)

(a day old)

(3 days old- first time at home!)

Let's Talk About Something Else

2011-06-24T15:21:00.000+12:00

If you want to read something totally different. Here's a post I wrote about money stuff.

Pregnancy after IF/Loss- Ticking Off My Wishlist (sorta)

2011-06-24T14:19:00.003+12:00

I've made it to 38.5 weeks. Who knew I'd ever make it to 'heavily pregnant'?

Think I'm on 10kgs in terms of weight increase so 'heavily' is definitely appropriate. No wonder I'm having trouble getting out of the car, out of bed, off the couch, etc. haha...

ANYWAY. I've been asking myself, "Have I gotten to do everything I wanted to do while being pregnant?"... you know, like when you save up things-to-do for a holiday or Disneyland with a list of things like food to eat and books to read, etc?

I'm FAST getting to the end, and I think so. Here are my 'things':

1
- Wear all the clothes you've been accumulating that you thought you'd one day wear as maternity clothes, or actually are. DO IT.
It has been fun. Though you have to laugh when you start to get sick of stretchy tights or at the fact that I don't fit that well into my maternity jeans anymore- believe it or not, they are too tight when I sit! (Jeanswest has pretty good and affordable maternity jeans.)

2
- Linger while in baby stores and sections.
It was hard to do at first, but you get there as pregnancy progresses (thankful) and it is nice sort of being a 'normal' pregnant woman. Though the silly part is you get tired walking around malls and so shopping stamina isn't what it used to be!

3
- Try not to be apologetic. (That's me.)
If you want a super awesome baby room, go for it! Show it off. You've been staring at that spare room for so long, having it filled with a child's things is so surreal.

($20 change table from trademe and lovely baby basket given to us from a lady at church!)

(baby bunting made by my friend ju! note: photo is deceiving cos' rest of the room is actually filled with random stuff on the floor haha.)

If you want to take lots of belly-photos, do it! We did.

(last week. sammy the dog has started to take part too. he looks a little funny- naked- here cos' his collar is off!)

4
- Celebrate.
As I make my way through this list I think most of them you are iffy with at first, especially if you have been through IF and/or baby loss. That's ok. What I mean is celebrate every day you get to carry this baby, and let others celebrate with you too. Whether it is just with simple things along the way, or a big baby shower at the end, whatever suits your style.

(look at the mad amount of gifts we got! thank you so much.)

5
- Remember the things you wanted to do before dealing with IF/loss made you forget, and do them or consider them again...
For me, it is simple things like thinking about what diaper system to use (though I sort of put that off for now cos' it is a little overwhelming). And random objects I want to buy for the baby one day like gumboots... Or to do with birthing, things you thought you'd try- water birth?

6
- Deal with your Facebook issues haha... (this was personal for me, maybe not for everyone)
You guys know that Facebook can be a source of difficulty for many of us going through IF or baby loss and definitely has been the case for me, so for me I wanted to be careful how I used it during pregnancy.

Yet I didn't want to hold back expressing how God has walked us through this, how thankful we are to be pregnant and to acknowledge that we are being prayed for by many people. (And many overseas friends and family simply wanted to know how it has been.) So... I've done it. I have posted stuff.

This has been tricky and thought I've wanted to be sensitive, I'm sure I haven't done all of it perfectly... but if I'm not sure sometimes I only show certain 'statuses' and 'photos' to certain close family and friends instead of everyone on the list. Of course, it is also just lovely to receive well-wishes and to know others are thinking of us.

7
- Embrace all the baby-baby stuff that you once were allergic to. (It is not wrong.)
I didn't think I would but I have gone on to Babycenter most weeks since the start to find out what 'vegetable' my baby is close in size to. I know it is a random thing to go on for, as Babycenter also offers a lot of other great things about pregnancy and parenting haha, but I've enjoyed it and it has provided a few laughs! This week the baby is like a leek.

Which is very nice and slim. Thankyouverymuch.

HOWEVER, check out the vegetable photo for the next 2 weeks: Watermelon and pumpkin! NO WORDS NEEDED to express how we feel about that.

8
- Do something only pregnant people can. Even if you said you'd never do it...
I have to admit I told friends I'd never do a pregnancy photoshoot because the ones I've seen are so cheesy (please don't be offended) but also, the truth is they have been hard to look at cos' I've been so jealous and envious of those who have been able to take part!

So one day when a sweet friend told me a photography place was doing a session for free, where you also get a couple free prints, I was like, NAH. But then I had a look at their stuff and it was really quite pretty. Plus it was valued at around $300 (wowmama)!

And then I thought, well, if the husband agrees (that'll be a long-shot) that'll help us decide. Turns out, he said yes! And I think we were also both thinking, "When are we gonna be able to do this again?" ... so we went for it.

It was pretty hilarious because we are fairly shy in some ways. Yet we decided to do it and enjoy it. And we did. We may never show those photos to anyone but it was a good laugh and an experience to remember!

Overall, I think I'm trying to say that for us, this has been such a dream come true. Knowing that we really don't know what the future brings, and this may be our only experience of being pregnant for the full NINE months, the husband and I have tried to appreciate and enjoy it where possible.

Thank you God that we have been able to relax in these later months of it and have been able to savour it with help from others.

(have to show off this beautiful baby blanket made my the husband's aunt. mailed all the way from canada. oh and lovely cribset sent to me by my sis-in-law, K, from the u.s. thanks girl!)

Come on baby! We'd love to meet you.

My Baby Shower

2011-06-21T15:02:00.005+12:00

I had my baby shower about a week and a bit ago. Sorry for the delay!

Here is a special perspective on it from my friend Ch.

As for me... I don't know where to start! Hmmm... so I'm going to scatter photos throughout this post. Visuals are always good.

(party favours and soother lollies, for wearing as a necklance-game, at the entrance)

(cake! wonderfully iced.)

I loved every bit of it and I felt much like a queen. There was so much effort put into it I don't even dare to imagine how much time and energy they spent on planning and preparing!

(My dear friends K, Ch and Lr organised and set up a beautiful party and my other lovely friends who attended and helped showered me (and the baby) with lots of precious gifts.)

(This was where everyone oohed and ahhed! Overall look inspired by Amy Atlas, cake stands were made like in this blog post, and food was painstakingly picked and colour coordinated by K and Ch- some stuff was even sent from the US.)

I have to say I was nervous about it because it is simply weird being the centre of attention. Plus, it was a baby shower, for goodness sakes'! Um... a concept you guys probably know I wasn't so keen on for a while there. And I knew there may be a few friends attending it who would find it hard too!

(So I told specific friends to anticipate my baby shower invite and I hope that helped them prepare for it. It blew me away that pretty much everyone on the invite list came... unless they were living long distance or were not feeling well. Crazy huh.)

(we played 2 fun games and I appreciated that they were short and sweet. what i wanted! i think my hair looks a bit like a helmet here haha. oh well.)

I know that it is important to celebrate this little life that God has so greatly provided and given us, so the baby shower was a great way to do that. And for me personally it was also a special way to have many of my dear friends take part in the 'joy' side of the story, and not just the hard parts! (Even though I was getting the gifts haha.)

(so many many gifts)

Some major highlights of the shower were:
- the decorations/presentation of EVERYTHING, especialy the table of food/candy/treats
- a little speech that my friend Ch wrote and delivered, which meant a lot to me (yes there were tears!)
- just having everyone come, mingle and have a fun time with me/baby.

(got the colour theme yet? and don't you love those stands!)

(yes we're a little bit into these gorgeous jars!)

I can't say THANK YOU enough!

(cheesy photo but kinda fun too!)

** All these photos were taken by Michelle D- Outstretched Photography & Design. Thanks M! **

From others...

2011-06-06T15:24:00.002+12:00

Here are a couple links...

- Divided, by Heather

This post is a very personal one to Heather, who has gone through an agonizing time of waiting and also a recent loss.

This post also leapt out at me because a good friend and I have been talking about how for her, miscarriage marked an unexpected change in her perspective, like her life became sort of split into two timelines, before and after. It is like the world changed colour.

- The Question that Breaks My Heart, by Rachel

This one probably many of us dealing with or who have dealt with IF can connect with. I appreciate how many of these women bring the perspective back to Christ, hard hard hard as it may be. It is a good reminder for me...

Ten Things at 2pm

2011-06-06T14:17:00.000+12:00

1. My baby shower is this coming Sunday. I am very excited about it, yet I'm nervous too! This whole deal is a dream come true. Yet that 'allergy' to baby showers still lingers a little. I'm just stoked that I have friends organising it, friends coming and celebrating with me... even those who are in the midst of waiting. Thanks you guys.

2. Long weekend here (Queens Birthday weekend) so it has been nice. I spent most of Saturday being tired and lying on the couch haha...

3. While I was lying about the house, the husband helped finish off this 'floating shelves and box seats' project that we have been planning for a couple years (yes it takes us a while to get round to it). Love it and love him!

(when we first moved here in 2007... the corner looked like this)

(...then we slowly changed it...)

(...now it looks like this! just need stuff on the shelves.)

4. 36 weeks. I need to do a hospital tour, finish packing my bag and a bag for the baby (yikes!), maybe decorate his room a little if I have time and um... energy etc. Crazy stuff! I think I keep stalling getting the bags packed because it all seems too real and rather scary!

(some days i feel like this. a bit mad-excited that i am having a baby. um... no, nothing to do with me liking this brand of tampons or anything haha.)

5. I have also used one of the baby's waterproof cot mattress protectors (yes dual-purpose! It is a second hand one from my sis-in-law in the U.S. who passed some down. We're so practical it is not funny.) and a towel to line where I sleep, they say to do something like that just in case your waters break while sleeping. Unlikely, according to stats, but why not save our mattress from getting wet with icky waters.

6. As pregnancy has gone on, my bladder is definitely being squished and simply not as strong. Not fun in the night.

7. Thankful for the little group we started at church a few months ago, as a bunch of women praying for each other, to do with infertility and loss... we usually correspond by email but we are planning a get together! Looking forward to it and hoping that God uses us to continue to impact other women around us who may be going through similar things.

8. Been totally craving nasty fried foods and ice-cream... and giving in haha. Hope it doesn't last.

9. The dryer appears to be malfunctioning (ok. definitely not using reusable nappies anytime soon haha!) and some other house bits are falling apart. Bummer timing... Money and time- two things we never seem to have enough of huh- hard not to get frustrated!

10. Where is my brain? If you find it let me know!

(this is me a few weeks ago with a 'delayed' birthday present that i got to open from lovely friends- a beautiful set of china made into a layered cake holder thing! it even says 'april' in the tea cup.)

Photosphotos

2011-05-27T11:41:00.001+12:00

Hay... so here are some photos from my past few weeks. Not a grrrrrreat selection but it'll have to do for now!

**Lots of baby-ish stuff. Look away if not ready for it.**

(my friend J is due a month ahead of me. here's a diaper cake i made for her baby shower! very proud of myself. oh and yes crazy straws can come in handy if you're a slight hoarder like me!)

(we also did these super cute cut-outs for her shower deco. L did a lot of work cutting them out- go you! if you want to make them, find them here. )

(the husband and i attended a wedding a couple weekends ago. here we are in the church waiting for the bride, who was very gorgeous!)

(here's us outside the church. we don't normally looks so tidy/fancy i promise.)

(my mom recently went to the states to visit my bro. she brought back some goodies for the baby. here are some baby socks i need to wash... and uh there were a set of bibs that include obvious pink ones, to the right, haha... he won't know...)

(she also brought back his first little toy, a monkey. yes, which is funny cos' the first thing i got him was a monkey-theme thing too. probably will be a bit of a monkey. help. )

(some clothes he's already accumulated- little pile of laundry i need to get done at some point...)

(random blow up green cow we got for him. apparently good for agility hahha. and just fun in general. yeah maybe a bit early for this kinda thing...)

(did white laundry the other day- check out the baby's newborn undershirt vs. the dad's shirt...)

(i seem to have lost a belly-pic that we recently took! so... this one has a part of me in it plus sammy.)

34 weeks! Going well. Saw the mid-wife yesterday. Things still all seem fine and he's actually in a good foetal position which is nice too. (Stay there!) Except it makes me pee a lot and gives me backpains here and there haha but overall is a good thing.

Ok. That's me for today. Talk more soon! Happy Friday!

33 weeks!

2011-05-18T12:01:00.002+12:00

How are you doing?

This week I'm at 33 weeks!

GO US!

I don't feel the most fab physically- bit of nausea (taking vitamin B6 to see if that helps), extreme tiredness somedays, back pain when I walk, still having leg cramps in the night (despite my magnesium pills sigh...)! But I know we're doing well and baby seems to be doing fine, so let's try and keep that all in focus haha.

We've prepared the baby room in a basic sense. There's furniture and most of the baby's bits and pieces in there. I still have a bit of organising and clearing-out to do but just will have to do that slowly.

The 'spare' room was always a strong physical reminder for me of the children we were waiting for. Now that we have ACTUALLY been able to prepare it, it is simply quite awesome (ahh!).

Last night we finished our ante natal classes. I think it went well and hopefully we'll form a little group.

I don't know how prepared I feel for labour and post-natal stuff, but at least I have a bit more knowledge now. I definitely feel a bit nervous about the thought of all that pain, but I'm trying not to dwell on it too much because I know I'll just freak myself out- cos' I do that.

There are lots more little things to buy and it is OVERWHELMING how many baby products there are out there. I've got a list but I've sort of stopped 'accumulating' for now as I'll just wait and see what we need and also what my baby shower brings (yes I'm going to have one!)

I'm thankful that we've been able to purchase a heap of stuff second-hand (proud of our bargain hunting skills) and also been given some lovely things already. When I stare at these newborn clothes, it is like oh-my-goodness-oh-my-goodness! (Is that from Annie? I can't remember haha.)

Life has been busy! I wish I was stopping to blog more, but I seem to keep running out of minutes! (Partly cos' I'm tired a lot I think.)

Anyway. Just wanted to write a short update. Don't have any good photos with me right now, but hopefully will post some soon.

Have a lovely mid-week.

P.S. Usually love these updates but this week, Babycenter says the baby is sort of the size of a pineapple right now. A PINEAPPLE! (Talk about a scary visual aid.)

10 Things at Ten ish.

2011-05-14T11:42:00.000+12:00

I've wanted to 'take stock' of things I'm thankful for, especially things that infertility and miscarriage have 'taught' me. I know it is easy to just list them now, but going through them is a totally different story... but I kinda wanted to remind myself of things that being child-less or child-free has allowed me to do or learn or appreciate more... Here we go.

1. Today I'm going to a wedding (yup get to dress up again!) and I don't have to deal with figuring out kids or babysitting. (Not always sure about what to do with my hair though...)

2. The husband and I have been married for 6.5 years. The plan was to have kids after 2-3 years. Yet, I love how our relationship has grown in this time and I think in ways we never could've planned, due to being without children. I don't take that for granted.

3. We can do whatever. we. want. with our days and evenings- like go for a drive, eat random food cos' I wasn't organised enough, buy random second-hand things on trademe and go pick them up easily, etc.

4. You can laugh but I think getting Sammy the dog (which I orginally/stubbornly did not want to do until after having kids! Then realised I may not know when I'd have kids...) has been a great transition for us to dealing with children.

Dear Sammy has brought the following... Dirty carpet, weird smells, need to be fed, needs fresh water, needs needs needs, loud whining in the morning, high need for attention, needs a sitter if away from home for too long, needs telling off, etc, which is good for someone like me to get used to.

5. Having been through fertility treatment and small surgeries, I'm so much more okay with things that would usually be awkward for me (which hopefully will come in handy for birthing oh gosh).

Talking about intimate/sensitive issues, flashing intimate parts of the body (sometimes more than a flash), being poked and prodded, dealing with also bodily fluids you don't want to talk about, etc.

6. We've gotten to spend time (and money) making the house look cool, which is something I enjoy and have really appreciated. I just have so many ideas and am glad we've gotten to do some of them. Things that would take time and effort I probably wouldn't have a lot of if I had small children... like putting frames up, painting things, getting a new couch, weird crafts that get left in the cupboard, etc.

7. I've learnt to appreciate certain special days and holidays more. I think because a lot of them revolve around the idea of 'family' and more so families-with-children, it forces me to re-evaluate why they are important in the first place. Or also to figure out how to celebrate them regardless of the 'children' part- especially ones like Christmas, Easter, etc...

8. As much as I've cried more in the last few years than in my whole lifetime put together, I think we've also been forced to laugh. (Probably still learning that as I can be a hard one to make laugh!)

You have to laugh about the path you never thought you'd be on- sex-within-a-timeframe (uh... honey... the doc says the follicles are lookin'-good... we might need to go home NOW...), injection needles in your cupboard, drugs in your fridge, pelvic ultrasounds with male gynes you've never met and the husband right there too, the fact that you have to PAY money for a chance to conceive, etc.

9. I think I've also gained great empathy for others, especially with learning to grieve or wait or deal with prayers that seem on hold. I am (I hope) more sensitive to those who are going through a hard time, have lost loved ones, who would like to be married but aren't, and of course others dealing with infertility and miscarriage.

10. Lastly, the world takes on a different colour. I've learnt so see things from a different perspective. A hard one to explain huh. Maybe on a deeper-level sort of way. Kinda like a stronger desire to see things from God's perspective and curious about how He deals with the heartbroken... I'm not sure!

Anyway. That's me for today. Better go get ready! (Will try post more photos later!)

What A Priviledge...

2011-05-11T18:16:00.000+12:00

... to have a friend like this.

My friend C wrote this post the other day. She has been my biggest supporter and encourager even though she has not been through the same stuff. I admire her perseverance in trying to understand me and the things the husband and I have been going through.

So thankful for her!

She Ain't Heavy, She's My Mother

2011-05-07T21:10:00.001+12:00

Haha. I just wanted to write that title for a giggle. Plus, I'm starting to feel pretty hefty these days. (No, it is not about my own mother haha!)

Some days I'm fine and some days I'm just so wasted. Plus that nausea-feeling is still there. Bummer. Oh well. I don't know how I'm going to carry this load around for two more months but... WE CAN DO IT!

On a different note, it is Mother's Day tomorrow. My mom's away and the husband's mom lives in Canada so we won't be doing much for it in that sense.

I haven't decided about church, though I was fortunate enough to get a sneakpeek into what the service is going to be about (thanks A). I am thankful for that, but regardless of the content, I have a feeling I'll still be bawling my eyes out in the back. I mean, I already do that at a normal service! So we'll see.

I don't know if being pregnant makes this year much different. Here's one woman's take on Mother's Day and being a mom after infertility.

Here's another angle- Mother's Day for a motherless daughter.

And here's one for those who are not quite sure if they'll ever be mothers...

Life is interesting huh. I started this post this morning. Here I am at almost 9pm trying to finish it! In between I emailed a friend who's going through a tough time to do with recurrent pregnancy loss, a dear friend who's going through primary infertility, and I helped throw a baby shower for a close friend. And here I am capping it off writing about Mother's Day.

And oh, on a side note, I thought it was curious that Anna Jarvis, who founded Mother's Day as a kind of holiday, was an unmarried woman herself and had no kids. I guess I just wonder how she felt and also what she'd think if she knew Mother's Day has become a big worldwide thing now.

Whether you are celebrating your mom tomorrow or hiding at home with as much distraction as possible, I'm thinking of you and know that you're allowed to have a wonderful day of celebration, but also if it is a crappy or confusing day, that's okay too.

(don't tell my mom i put this up. that's her with my bro and i.)

P.S. My mom's about 5ft and maybe 50kgs. She's definitely not heavy.

Bust A Myth

2011-05-04T19:05:00.000+12:00

It was Infertility Awareness week at the end of April, in the U.S. and 'Bust A Myth' was how many bloggers took part in it.

Here are a couple links to these myth-busting posts if you are interested to read:
1) Giving Up Hope
2) You'll be a Mom Someday- I just know it!

Also, I just wrote a post today on another blog, for where I work. It is about being there for a friend (or loved one) in need. (And you get a peek into more of my world haha!)

Bunch 'O' Thoughts- Baby, Birthdays, Easter

2011-05-01T11:37:00.002+12:00

(bunch)

Baby-related thoughts
1. So weird. You spend four years waiting for a baby and now that he's on the way... I feel totally unprepared.

I think my brain has been so centered on how to conceive and keep pregnancy going, now maybe compared to normal women, I have a lot to catch up on with the thought of labour and post-natal care! We'll get there...

2. Feels a bit like a dream. Every now and then, like when I wake up and am lying on the bed, I forget that I'm pregnant. Then I try to get up... and I remember I'm pregnany cos' I can't get up haha.

3. It is just amazing to think that the baby will look like the husband and I. I can't get over this! I stare at the husband and am so excited to see how the baby will resemble him. In our heads, we were prepared for a baby that didn't look like us (adoption) and we're still keen on that one day... but it has been surprisingly hard to switch our heads back!

4. I tried out this ante-natal swimming class the other day. It was so much fun! Only pregnant women (and maybe seniors) have the excuse to goof-off in the swiming pool/ do odd exercises and get away with it. I also got to make a couple of new friends, so hopefully I'll get to know them better...

CELEBRATION- some stuff I'm learning (probably from my dear friend C, and maybe TV haha)
5. Birthdays
Birthdays can be hard. Especially if you are dealing with IF, birthdays sort of stare you in the face like a horrible countdown timer. I know I'm still 'young', but birthdays have begun to carry more weight in the past couple years. This year I loved hanging out with the husband and just having some time to ourselves. (We went to Rotorua. Thanks for house-sitting, KP!) It was great as it has felt so hectic these past months.

Here are some ideas to deal with birthdays... at least for me.
a) Embrace them! Whether quietly or loudly, let it be a time to celebrate your life thus far and think about something else for a while.

b) Make it kinda like some other big occasion- Christmas, New Year, Chinese New Year haha etc. For me, I unofficially make it Birthday Week or Birthday Month (yes, kinda like Oprah or Ellen on TV)... do small things you've been wanting to do for youself- bake treats, get hair done etc.

c) Get an outfit? I like clothes. Make a birthday shirt (yes with your age somewhere on it if you dare), or get a fun dress... if you're not into clothes, I've thought of a necklace with the numbers of your age on it or some crafty project to commemorate the specific year. Why not?

(this year i got a polka dot dress as my 'birthday outfit' haha. pictured with mintchocchip frappucino.)

d) Let others do stuff for you if they want to. If someone offers to pamper you with a meal or movie, let them! I loved that I got a cake baked for me.

e) Food- I celebrate with food a lot, and I know many others do, so keep that as a part of the birthday deal!

f) Party- I am not a party-thrower, but a friend recently did one as her birthday co-incided with the Royal Wedding. She had a girl's night and guests came in their wedding dresses or bridesmaids dress, etc. It was such a clever idea! And a great way to have a night of fun.

6. Easter
Like many others, I've 'saved' up ideas in my head on what I'd do if I had kids... even though many 'holidays' mean more than just family activities, it does get hard when it is a reminder that you don't have children.

This year, even though we are not far from having this baby, we had our own little Easter Egg Hunt. Just the two of us.

The weather hasn't been fab at all, so we just got allocated parts of the house, the husband hid the pink and yellow eggs (for me) and I hid the green and blue ones. Sammy the dog had a hard time figuring out what we were doing! It was a short hunt as it was just indoors, but it was still a little burst of fun and silliness. (I kinda laugh that I'm trying to embrace this 'life of two' more now as this we are becoming three... typical huh.)

Note to Baby

2011-04-30T13:09:00.003+12:00

Dear Baby,

Yesterday I got to see you at a scan! We are at 30 weeks (31 in two days!). It is amazing to think that the countdown is in single digits!

We think we may have a name for you. We are not totally sure, but we have two options in the running. Hopefully one of them will work out for you. It'll be helpful to give you a name, or I might keep calling you 'The Kid' when you arrive, like I have been.

The other night you were squirming around so much that we could see you from the outside! It made me realise how big you are getting and how I will get to meet you soon. Your dad has been able to see that too, and feel you moving, which has been very special.

We have done many things together. We went swimming for the first time the other day. We've also recently been to Rotorua, Nelson, Tirau, etc. (We also accidently walked out the supermarket with some unpaid plastic Easter egg shells that got left in the trolley, that I need to go back and pay for before they post us on some, 'Have you seen this woman?' part of a crime show. Oops.)

We watched the Royal Wedding, which was pretty exciting. Kate's dress was awesome. Though I'm nervous about having a kid that will become a young man, but we'll deal with that when we get there.

I'm trying to be good and eat healthy, but the other day it was my birthday so we did indulge in a few lavish treats around that time.

(me with ice-cream!)

(my friend kp made red velvet cake. beautiful & yum.)

It was also Easter, which made it harder to resist some of the temptations. We got you measured and you seem to be of good size, and not a big (diabetic) baby, so we are okay for now. I have been trying though.

It is crazy to think that the ultrasound could also estimate your weight. It looks like you are about somewhere over 3 pounds now. Which means you probably will still double in size! It already feels pretty tight in there.

Anyway. I'm thankful for your strong and healthy heartbeat. You also seem to be growing nice long limbs. Plus we got a glimpse of you poking your tongue out (maybe?)...

In the meantime we are trying to make space for you, so I hope we will be prepared when you arrive! We have been attending ante-natal classes with other women carrying babies in their fish-bowl-like tummies so maybe you will have friends? We'll see...

Just seems unreal that we have gotten to this stage. At 32 weeks I can deliver you at North Shore Hospital (as opposed to Auckland Hospital where there is specialist care), but of course we want you to 'marinate' for longer.

Talk again soon,

your carrier/mother.

"Is this your first baby?"

2011-04-16T18:33:00.001+12:00

(avoid conversation with this woman! she often doesn't know what to say and cries easily! haha.)

When we were at the wedding in Nelson a couple weekends ago, this was a question that came up a few times. I've asked it myself and I really don't mind it as it is just a part of conversation, as what they are actually asking is, "Do you have any other kids?"

But it caught me by surprise when it was asked of me! Because I know the simple answer is 'Yes'. And yet the more correct answer is 'No'. And yet I didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, because they really weren't asking for my life-story.

Then again I'm someone who likes meaningful conversation, so I find myself torn and hesitating for a split second, which I'm sure seems weird if you were the 'asker' as you'd think it'd be a pretty easy one!

Anyway. I usually just answer a polite yes, so that the whole group conversation can move on... but last night, I got a little bold.

I was at someone's house and I got talking with one woman. Maybe because it was a one-to-one conversation and we already knew her husband a little, I'm not sure... so when she asked me, "Is this your first baby?", I decided to take the plunge and I said, "Well, you know, this is actually not my first pregnancy, but yes it is the first baby that has come this far along and we're stoked!"

I wasn't sure where this was going to take us but I trust that this was God thing because then we went on to have a conversation about infertility. She shared with me that they have gone through infertility themselves, have not been able to get pregnant, and are currently living life as two.

We didn't get to chat for very long, but it was a major connection point (had to blink back tears), and I appreciate that she opened up. It is a tough topic to be talking about with someone you just met! On my end of course it is always special to share with someone like her that I'm pregnant, as she understands how huge of a miracle it is too.

I'm not sure where I was heading with this post! But I guess I was thinking, sometimes it is worth the risk being vulnerable as you never know, you might find someone who's been on a similar path too! (And it is kinda like a painfully special scar you share.)

Sweet Saturdays

2011-04-16T15:52:00.002+12:00

Ok maybe not the best title for this post because I'm supposed to be keeping my sweet-tooth at bay for now. But is has been a nice Saturday so far, so... here I am!

Thought I'd better try and write a little something before I go and lie down.

1. TODAY- Feeling pretty proud of myself today. Got a few errands done this morning including going to the bank and getting a few gifts... including spending a Christmas voucher I got given- all for me! I got a necklace that has a pocket watch on the end. Kinda fun huh? It is a pretty brassy/gold old-look necklace, where the face cover pops open and the watch actually works! (Thanks C!)

(there it is!)

2. DISCOVERY- Yesterday I met a friend for coffee and I thought I'd be sneaky and try and check out a shop just beforehand, as I was early... BUT I can no longer walk quickly, so was a couple minutes late haha! The baby in my belly is starting to get a little prominent, so I struggled to get to the cafe on time! The things you learn. (And my shopping stamina has definitely waned...)

3. 28- This week we're at 28 weeks. Next week I'm turning 29 and I'll be in my 29th week! Fun huh? Just a little random fact for you.

4. PREP- Preparing for the baby has been good fun, though there still seems to be so many little things to think about... I keep putting some off but I'm realising I can't do that for too long haha. We attended our first ante natal class this week. Who knew we'd be sitting in a roomful of pregnant couples, us included? It is definitely weird to be 'on the other side' of where I was at, yet being still the very same person.

5. HMMM... It is interesting that like most other IF-ers, all I thought about for the last few years was how to get pregnant and stay pregnant, and it is hard to transition to thinking, "uh oh... how will I get this baby out?"...

6. BRAIN- So I have lost quite a few brain cells. I used to be such an unbeliever of 'baby brain' but I've had to eat my words. I still maintain that this is only funny because I am 'normally' pretty 'with it'... but we'll see!

Here's a list of things I've done:
- opened the fridge and found a packet of half-eaten girl-guide cookies in there (no we don't store it in there)
- similarly, opened the fridge and found my big soya sauce bottle next to the milk (what was it doing there!)
- offered my husband a glass of water then proceeded to search for the glasses (I've lived here four years people)
- stood in the shower and could not remember if I'd already shampooed my hair or not!
- looked at the hand my friend held out to me, with his palm facing up, as we were agreeing on something, then SHOOK IT instead of slapping it (like a lo-five kinda thing). Oh that was bad, and didn't realise what I'd done til after!
- lost stuff (and I never lose stuff!)

so anyway... much more to say but I'm fading here at 3:30pm haha... took a photo of my new necklace but can't find the file from the webcam ugh. LATER!

Infertility- Links

2011-04-08T11:35:00.000+12:00

Here are a couple posts I came across recently.

8 Ways to Support an Infertile Friend
- a simple and quick list, maybe something to share with others?

Seven,
- a post about seven years of dealing with infertility... so well written.
- from Life As Two

FRIDAY!

2011-04-08T11:17:00.004+12:00

Every Friday morning it feels like I try to squish in as many things as I can because it is my one morning where I can- I work from 2pm. Then again, because it is a later start, I also like to take my time... so it turns out to be a bit of a funny mixture of things.

(love breakfast! do you?)

So here I am, did laundry, caught up on some emails, some Facebook stuff, read some blogs I follow and hope to write a quick post. Then I hope to get ready, eat and do a bit of mall-walking (just a bit of 'me time', plus I need more stretchy pants for winter, for work, ugh) and then off to work. I'm terrible at getting things done quickly so this is quite a feat.

It is April! I like April because it is birthday month! WOOHOO. And it helps that it is Easter.. PLUS you get a break too. Also, it is not too cold just yet and the sun is still around, which is just fab.

The only sad thing is that I can't be having too many treats, like hot-cross buns and easter eggs this time because I need to watch my diet. Grrr. I officially don't have gestational diabetes (very thankful cos' my mom had it) but I'm a 'borderline' case so I do have to be careful. Not cool. Oh well. Small thing really for a good cause. Sugar-free chocolate, anyone?

I've been a bit out of action because last weekend we got to go away- to Nelson. A lovely beach town in the South Island for a wedding. It was a beautiful and special wedding, and we felt very fortunate to be able to celebrate it with our friends. Yay.

(us at wedding)

(view from the top! nelson is beautiful!)

It has also been a big week because a dear friend just had her baby! She has been a special friend too because she was one of the first couple people I knew who was dealing with infertility too, and it helped SO MUCH to have someone to talk to about it all. Haven't got to see them yet but I hope to soon!

Ok. Bit of a random post. That's me for now...

**1:30pm now. I did not make it out the door early. Posted on blog, did couple things then decided it was all too much effort and I was too tired. haha... so I had a big NAP instead. At noon! Oh gosh. **

A light 10 Things at Twelvish

2011-03-26T13:25:00.001+13:00

1. We make it to 26 weeks on Monday! Very exciting. Which means 14 weeks to go?

2. Have been trying hard not to get too shoppy-shoppy-crazy for baby clothing until later... can't help it though. I love shopping! (Bought myself a couple items yesterday. How bad is it that fun clothes make me happy! But I mean, I did find a navy dress with little hearts on it and it was on the sale rack... how can that not bring anyone joy? haha.)

3. Had a long list of to-dos for this morning (Saturday) but I'm only through two things- laundry (not even done) and making dinner (spinach-lentil lasagne anyone?) for a friend who just had a baby- and I'm ready for a nap! Think we will spread the list to tomorrow too...

4. Leg-cramp marathon last night in bed! Ahhh. Not fun. But also have not been keeping up with my magnesium pills so may just be my own fault cos' it is supposed to help. (I tried to cheat by eating a banana and have a magnesium pill right before bed but didn't do much haha...) Keep waking the husband to help me rub out the pain but doesn't always work!

5. Having a fun staff hang-out this evening so I'm looking forward to that. Actually I'm also looking forward to this 'German Chocolate Cake' someone's bringing haha. Have not tried it!

(google images says it looks like this.)

6. Also looking forward to not wearing a uniform out cos' we have a staff t-shirt that we have to wear at work, so I'm missing wearing my normal clothing!

7. **Blog post writing interval- had lunch, folded some laundry, sat around and ate chocolate, etc. **

8. Thank you Lord for dishwashers (ahhh pure bliss!), washing machines and dryers (it has been raining)!

9. Totally not that exciting for most, but exciting for me (and maybe Ruth if you read this?)... I finally bought a pair of pinking shears/scissors (cuts zig-zags) and a pair of fabric scissors (who knew they cost more than normal scissors!). Both of which I will label with bright tags maybe so the husband doesn't cut random wires with it or dog-beef-jerky or something. Bunting-making here I come! (So I say...)

(something like this maybe?)

10. This is me (and the husband) after a fun-walk event a team of us did a couple weeks ago (the husband was a driver, it is not his thing haha) ... hope you guys are doing ok out there!

Nicole Kidman

2011-03-26T09:20:00.000+13:00

(Wo isn't she so beautiful?!)

The other night, Nicole Kidman was on 60 Minutes (here in NZ on TV3). I think you can watch it here on the Australian site where it was orginally from.

I just happened to be flicking channels... when they started talking about family. I didn't realise she'd had a second biological daughter via surrogacy/a gestational carrier (learnt something new from the interview haha).

Anyway, not everyone may be keen on that part of it but it was just comforting to have someone famous and fancy say that fertility has been hard for them and has been a big part of her life too (two adopted kids and two bio kids)... you know what I mean right?

I've never been a massive fan though I've always thought she seemed quite lovely, and being gorgeous always doesn't make it hard does it... but now... I can't help but like her more!

Like Totally!

2011-03-21T21:56:00.001+13:00

Here is a post on adoption, Adoption is not a Plan B, by a blogger, Becky, via (in)courage. I share her views on adoption stuff and it was cool to have her put it into words so well.

Ten things at Twelvish

2011-03-19T13:49:00.000+13:00

(wrong time. oh well.)

1. Thankful for pancakes this morning (after dreaming about them haha). YUM.

2. Thankful for a Saturday morning to chill and catch up with thoughts and things (laundry haha).

3. Thankful for some time I spent yesterday with two special friends who'd gone through miscarriages recently. It was good to catch up with them and just comforting to be able to talk about our 'children we've never met' openly and without reserve or feeling bad/weird. Glad we finally got to hang out!

4. Thankful for the Christchurch Earthquake Memorial Service that I watched this morning online cos' I missed it yesterday. It was hard to watch of course, but also a bittersweet reminder of God's power and strength in times of great need.

5. Thankful for God's supernatural comfort in times of deep sadness and grieving. Some dear friends have had to say goodbye to their dear tiny daughter, Eden Grace, who was 17 days old. She was born at 26 weeks of pregnancy. Her life was a miracle in itself, but it is so hard too... and I'm praying for her parents and brother as they cope with their loss. I cannot imagine how hard this is for them.

6. Thankful for the power of music that touches us even if we come from different perspectives and backgrounds. They sang a few beautiful songs at the Christchurch Memorial Service- like Amazing Grace and Welcome Home.

7. Thankful that my sis-in-law, K, was unhurt in a car accident this past week, where her SUV was turned on its side! Also cool that the kids were at home with my brother. Praying for them as this stuff is still always scary and can be stressful.

8. Thankful for soft-serve. Ya, serious.

(not my pic)

Haha yes. I love them. Plus, I don't know why it took me so long to catch on that the vanilla soft-serve cones at McDonald's are only 60-cents! Is there anything else that cheap around here?

I usually get the hot fudge/chocolate sundaes in a cup that cost way more. So I think I'll switch over to the cones... plus they probably are 'less bad' haha... NOW if only they had the half-chocolate and half-vanialla twist ones here... ahhhhh that'd be heaven. You know those? They don't have them here in NZ...

( AND Do you know? I used to have the Fisher-Price McDonald's Kitchen set, like this, yes they whole big thing with the drive through window and kitchen. The soft-serve machine was my favourite part!!!)

9. Thankful that we have made it to 24 weeks and 5 days of pregnancy.

It is fascinating and awesome to think that if I had the baby now (of course not ideal but just saying...) he would have a chance at surviving outside the womb. It would be registered as a birth in some countries, not sure about here. Just quite a thought! Praising God for this life.

10. Thankful for my mother who continues to feed me. She's been bringing me pots of food so that I don't have to cook that much. They last the husband and I a few meals a week.

It is a massive blessing because I've been so tired and some evenings I work, so it makes it very convenient. However, I hope she isn't using up all her cooking stamina because I'll need it more when baby comes!

Had a lunch break between writing point 8. and points 9.-10. so now it is like almost two! haha. Have a good day out there.

Mercy

2011-03-12T15:32:00.002+13:00

(pic of pie because... truth is, i often WANT pie but i don't necessarily always deserve it (?)... ok long shot- but I couldn't think of anything else to put as the photo haha)

Isn't it interesting how when you go through different chapters in life, some themes stand out to you more than others?

'Mercy' seems like such an old-fashioned word to me, and sorta religious and loaded... yet this is what I've been thinking about. Over and over...

This baby is such a crazy ridiculous miracle. I think every baby is a miracle really, but this one is has been so in-your-face massive for me.

I feel undeserved. And that's why I think I'm realising the extent of God's mercy. He didn't need to do this. We asked for it, yes, and of course some days I did feel like 'argh you owe me!' (er... probably plus a few more nasty words), but REALLY it wasn't our right to get the answer we wanted... and I am trying to grasp that.

It is not my right to be a mother... but God has shown me grace and mercy. I'm repeating this because it blows my mind. I can't even fully comprehend it. Yet this is such a big part of the Christian life too- being given what we never deserved in the first place, life and freedom through Christ.

So here I am carrying a little baby boy. And I am four months away from meeting him.

The flip side is I wonder if I'd have felt this way if this was earlier in the journey... did I need all that time to loosen my hold on my desire to control and WANT? I don't know and I don't think it is just about me...

But also the out-of-this-world nature of 'our story' having been such a mad one, makes it all the more awesome what God's done and the emphasis more on Him. It makes it so clear who's in charge...

Here's a song from an album I've been listening too lately (ya still loving this album A and thanks Kathy)... it isn't totally related to this subject, and is more about being in the depths of (I think) grief and suffering... but what has lingered with me are the lines:

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before you show me how to die

Maybe this is what I'm learning?

Hmmm... anyway. Just some thoughts.

Dream a Little Dream With Me

2011-03-11T09:14:00.000+13:00

Since I ended that last post (though it was a week or something ago) on a 'shopping' thought... why not keep going with it? Plus my mad pregnancy dreams are still going strong, so let's combine them for something a bit more fun.

Some of you are mothers, while some of you are hoping to be... are there any items for a baby or a young child that you love that you had or you wish that you got/would like to get one day?

Just curious. Even things that are super-unnecessary but may be just look cool or very expensive but would-be-nice?

I realise I may or may not have that many opportunities to prepare for a baby... Why not dream a little while we're at it?

SO. I totally don't need one (yet) but I'm kinda obsessed about BUMBO chairs at the moment. Hahaha.

I think cos' they come in cute colours and are made of that weird squishy-foam/rubbery texture. Plus both my nephews had one so I think I just am associating it with cute memories of them!

ANYWAY.

Short one for now. Talk more soon.

Pregnancy after IF and miscarriage- Confessions

2011-03-04T09:07:00.001+13:00

(er... admitting more than one thing really.)

I have been thinking to admit some things about what it has been like being pregnant after infertility and miscarriage... I've hoped for this blog to be a place others can come to and feel some relief, but this has also been a safe place for me to say things that I may not dare share in real life.

So this may seem indulgent but I've always wanted to be open in this blog so here goes...

1. Especially when I was not yet 12-14 weeks, I was very nervous about noticing bleeding... What would I do, how would I handle it? Thankfully this feeling has subsided, especially from the 'fear of miscarriage' perspective... I think taking one day at a time is/was the only way!

2. I am just going to put this one out there. As much as we are so grateful to be 'pregnantly surprised', and naturally too, it was hard to not be slightly resentful that we could not experience the bliss and naievete of not knowing any other scenario.

When we found out we were pregnant, there was no jumping in the air or hi-fives, just us looking like we saw a ghost. And I felt a little stink for disbelieving this dear little baby was real! (Please know we have squealed in delight and are celebrating this little baby... it just took a while to get there!)

3. I secretly hoped that having had a rocky road before this, pregnancy would be easy (i.e. less nausea-feeling please!) ... um... no, doesn't work like that haha!

4. We had ultrasounds/scans at around 6, 8 and 10 weeks, then later on at 19 weeks. It was so bizarre having them all be 'normal'. I wanted to say, "Are you sure? Are you sure?"...

5. Doing extra bloods and scans were not bad as they brought much information and therefore helped with the anxiety about the pregnancy, but progesterone inserts! (Yes inserts... pessaries? Whatever you call them...)

Those of you who have had to do them- big ups to you! I hated them so bad. You do them for 6-8 weeks (like 50+ days) and it is two little 'pills' 3 times a day, which is 300+ of them!!! Loved it when the specialist said, "You can wean off the progesterone now!". Fortunately I only needed to do a few weeks for this round. Phew.

6. There are still leftover fertility drugs in my fridge and a sharps bin in my closet (from September)... you just get used to them being around... then you realise you may ACTUALLY not need them for the 'next' round cos' this one is actually progressing...

7. I still get a twinge of envy when I find out suddenly that someone is pregnant like really soon after trying. I know this sounds so selfish and terrible but I do. I think it may get better eventually... Lord help me.

8. I wish I had a t-shirt that said something like "If you're waiting for a bump like this... hang in there!", as we all know what it is like to stare at someone like me.

SO... Having said all this, I'm currently 22.5 weeks and everything is still looking good. Today I'm going to go look at some baby things with my fab friend C. Who knew we'd be here in this position? Praise God for being generous and full of grace.

Pregnancy- Things I'm Experiencing

2011-03-01T11:20:00.000+13:00

We've made it to 22 weeks. (Oh yeah!) Here are some things I have been experiencing... mostly 'normal' pregnancy symptoms really.

(handy having a dog to pose next to usually boring furniture. here's our cot! or crib.)

1. I need to eat frequently or I turn into a kind of mad monster. This was me before pregnancy too but it is worse now.

2. The morning sickness does leave but I still feel the 'sick' or weird 'nausea' feeling in the evenings/randomly.

3. When I feel tired at night, I'm seriously tired. Cannot function.

4. I needed softer bras early on... felt rather squished!

5. I feel huge but to others it doesn't look that huge really. But even at this stage, the round tummy does actually get in the way! Having trouble bending over or picking stuff up- already!

6. I am thirsty all the time. I even have a glass of water next to my bed to drink through the night... ice-water is a new best friend.

7. Which also means I pee a lot. Typical really. Getting quite good at manouvering around my bed in the dark.

8. Pregnancy brings on sneezing and a runny nose for me! Partly aggravates allergies too. Who knew? (I know some of you did.)

9. Dreams... I don't like them! I get lots at the moment and they are mostly weird and sad/scary.

10. Other night-time issues- cramps! Leg cramps. Not cool and rather freaky to be woken up by pain in the night. But my mom had them so I was prepared.

11. The baby's little movements and 'thud-thuds' are very cool and a great reminder that things are still moving along. Oh gosh.

12. Hearing his heartbeat at the mid-wife's (again last week) continues to be a highlight. His heartbeat is there and still going strong! Thank you Lord!

13. Definitely a lot of things on my mind... grateful too as being able to plan for a baby is much of a dream come true.

14. Sadly I continue to prove that 'baby brain' is real. Have made many mistakes and slip-ups. Not my usual alert and clever self... haha.

Need to go rummage for food now before work... hope you guys are doing well.

What To Do

2011-02-23T13:33:00.000+13:00

It seems silly to be writing a blog post when there are people in Christchurch waiting to be rescued after the earthquake. It has barely been twenty-four hours and yet so much has happened! I think many of us in Auckland feel helpless as there's nothing we can do except sit, watch and pray.

I feel like infertility and loss has taught me again and again that you can live life in 'two dimensions' (or levels?). Like you live the everyday and try your best with your daily activities where you move and and keep going in hope, but your inner life can be filled with much commotion like painful waiting or grief that you don't/can't wear on the outside.

I think this is what it is like in a disaster situation too... you are trying to get on with life or be pro-active in doing something, but your insides (heart, mind, etc.) is swarming with questions and emotion.

The hard part is sometimes the two seem to be in contrast, like me typing at my computer in my safe little Auckland-bubble, while thinking and praying for others who are in absolute danger or looking for missing family.

So.. transitioning to my small world, I was thinking to write a quick update. I've made it to 21 weeks! I'm past halfway. The husband managed to feel movements for the first time the other day too. That was very exciting and emotional for me! Thankful!

It has been neat for me to share about this pregnancy with others. In doing so I've learnt more about the journeys of other people I've come across. Just in the past few weeks three people I've spoken to have revealed that they also had trouble conceiving at some point- one had secondary infertility and the other two also went through a time of primary infertility.

What's interesting is that if I didn't share about our difficulties, they probably wouldn't have either! It is definitely extra cool sharing with people who understand how huge this is to us.

Lastly, Esther wrote this post today that was vulnerable and food-for-thought, whether we are dealing with IF or in other tricky situations. Thought it was definitely one for sharing.

Hope you are ok out there? Thanks for reading!

Award!

2011-02-19T10:58:00.000+13:00

Thank you to Jen at Discovering Joy in the Storm for the Stylish Blog Award (and previously Grace at Chois-R-Us for the Versatile Blog Award, which I'm sorry I didn't pass on. I just left it for a bit and that it turned into months then it was just too silly to do it later on.)

I came across both these ladie's blogs via Hannah's Prayer Forum/Community which has been a great place of support and encouragement. Jen is going through an IVF cycle right now and Grace has adopted a boy!

I don't know if it is too confusing to combine awards... so I'll just stick to passing on the Stylish Blog one since that is more recent!

Rules:
1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers.
4. Contact the bloggers and tell them about the award.

Share 7 Things

1. I take a really long time to write posts and post them! (Same with emails!) You may have already guessed that from the way I say stuff on here. I can't help it. I tend to write things and then re-read and check and re-read. Trying to get better/faster at it though! haha.

2. I love shopping and getting good deals. Sometimes I just roam the mall on my own to see what things are out there. I just like looking at different styles and things even if I'm not buying anything.

3. I do really enjoy cooking and baking though if I am rushed or don't have enough time I tend to stress!

4. I work at a Fitness Centre that is run by a non-profit Christian organisation. We are a gym just like any other, and our ultimate desire is to reflect and share Christ in the community. Even though we have been in 'ministry' before this has been very different and has taken a while to get our head around!

5. I've lived in New Zealand for 10 years. Before this I lived in Singapore.

6. I am terrible with phone calls... I don't like them compared to other means of communication... don't know why! It can make me awkward... I prefer speaking face to face.

7. I love listening to music so I'm always wanting more and more CDs (yeah I haven't quite moved on yet) because I tend to overplay ones that I have!

Award 15 other bloggers (but I only have 10 here...)

I know these awards sometimes circulate a few times round so feel free to do whatever... but here goes:

1. Grace at Chois-R-Us

2. Heather at reach in, reach out, reach up

3. Amel at Serenity in Chaos

4. Beckie at Beckie's Infertility Journey

5. Barb at Mommy's Two Monkeys

6. Surely at Shirley Goodness and Mercy

7. Thelma at Life As Two

8. Ruthie at In All Things...

9. Christy at Living Life With the Staveleys

10. Teri at Sommer Days

In the News This Week

2011-02-18T12:19:00.003+13:00

Been aching to write more but it has been a tiring couple weeks. Life can be sticky sometimes huh. There's gunk at the bottom of the sink, there are dentist visits that cost a couple hundred dollars, and there are issues inside of me that God is trying to sort out that make me cry into my bowl of lunch at home when a meaningful song comes on! haha... sigh... ANYWAY. Here are some other headlines.

Limping Dog Has Knee Problem

Poor Sammy was found to have some knee damage from one of his many mad leaps from the yard to the deck, but thankfully he didn't need surgery. Finding all that out cost us over $400. And if he'd needed a procedure it would've been $1500. Pretty much like if a normal person had private knee surgery. That would've been very sucky. In the meantime, how do you tell a dog that thinks he's TIGGER, not to run?

Woman Finally has Haircut

The other day I looked like this... (we went out to Takapuna for a coffee and had dessert too. Yay!)

Now I look like this... (Tried to have the dog in the photo so that it wasn't so weird just taking a photo of myself haha... but he keeps looking away.)

I found a new place to cut my hair. The lady was lovely and I'm totally going back to her, but I have to say I had one of those 'IF conversations'. It wasn't too bad at all, but I can see how scenarios like this can turn us into some crazy-IF-er if encountered on the wrong day... This is how it went after we conversed for a while:

Stylist: Do you have kids?

Me: No, but I'm actually pregnant. (Decided to just say it. Pretty obvious these days anyway...)

Stylist: Oh I thought so but didn't want to assume. (Which was very sweet of her.) How long have you been married?

Me: Six years.

Stylist: Oh you took a while to start then!

Me: Um... we wanted to start having children about three years ago but it just 'took us a while'... (Decided to keep it vague.)

Stylist: Well, sometimes I think your body just gets used to not conceiving and just doesn't know what to do for a while...

Me: MmmHmmmm... (I know she was trying to be kind and part of her theory may be based on her own experience as she has a large age-gap between her kids- who knows! But anyway, I decided not to pursue it and left it at that!)

Also this week, I had an actually-terrible conversation about baby loss with someone... but we won't keep going on this today. I think I'll leave it for now!

Dishwasher is A-GO-GO!

At Christmas, we got given money from both my parents and my in-laws to go towards some home improvement things, one of which was a dishwasher! I've been desiring one for a while. Very thankful!

Took us a few weeks but the husband and his clever self managed to figure out how best to fit it into our kitchen... He did a bunch of work re-sizing the one cabinet and getting a new countertop ($15 from trademe!).

And along with the electrician and plumber, we got there!

Blog Wins Second Award

There are some fun awards going around and this week I won an award from Jen. Thanks! Honoured! I have also won an award from Grace before but I never passed it on. Ugh... Terrible! So I will pass them on this time. Hopefully in my next post.

Random Ten Things at 10am

2011-02-12T09:17:00.000+13:00

We have a team planning day ahead so let's see if I can squeeze a post in.

1. Saturday! How are you doing? Hope you have a good weekend. Are you doing anything with your man for Valentine's Day? We're not big V-Day types around here but we are thinking we might go have ice-cream tomorrow or something.

2. Check out this blog if you are into making crafty things for Valentines Day! There are so many crazy good ideas in here.

3. If you like photos and photography, check out this guy's stuff of his kids. They are such brilliant photos! Though I'm not sure how he does them. Helps that he is a professional photographer I guess haha... Here's his blog too if you want some recent/ongoing photos of them.

4. We have started a mini prayer network, called 'IF & When' at our church for those going through infertility and/or pregnancy loss... or just lots of waiting for children in general. I am so thankful that we have been able to do this and I'm hoping and praying that it will be a good support and encouragement to women at church and maybe even those in our community later on.

It is so exciting to see how God can use these hard and painful issues to connect some of us together...

5. My blog friend Heather wrote this beautiful post the other day. It is sort of along the same lines of a post I wrote a couple weeks ago, about how we, as wives, might feel about our husbands in this time of waiting for children.

6. I'm continually humbled by the number of people who have told me that they have been praying for the husband, baby and I. It is amazing. Thank you God for how sneakily and wonderfully You work!

I guess us being fairly open about our journey has allowed the information to be 'out there' so there are people who I don't know very well who have been thinking of us and praying for us. It means so much to me finding that out!

And it teaches me a thing or two because I really struggle to pray consistently for others, yikes. But anyway. Feeling very blessed.

** Pregnancy/Baby talk **

7. Our scan! It went very well. They checked on the baby's anatomy with so much detail. You could see so much (and we only did the normal scan, not the 3D one)... things look good... so relieved!

8. A boy! Very thankful that we got to find that out, as we were hoping to. We would've loved a girl too, so either is great of course. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't dreaming it up and just have some big grapefruit stuck in there. Honestly, yes was anxious. haha...

Yay!!!!! We kinda walked around in shock for a little while after. Is this for real?

9. So on Monday I make it to 20 weeks and that will be officially halfway. Ohmygosh. I kinda want the pregnancy to hurry up, so that I can meet this baby. I want to meet you! But I know I need to treasure these days too. So it is a funny feeling.

** Over and Out **

10. I'm feeling so much better but still tired a lot! Sigh... Hope you have had a good week? I'd better start getting ready. Think this was one of the fastest posts I've done. (Sorry if sentences are a bit choppy.) GO ME! Have a great weekend guys.

Hold Your Pink Horses People...

2011-02-10T10:57:00.001+13:00

He's a HE!

All looks good and healthy as far as we can see from the scan. It was very amazing. We are super thankful and praising God!

AHHHHHHHH!

Ten Things at 10am

2011-02-05T11:28:00.000+13:00

1. Happy New Year to those who are of Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese or Japanese background (sorry if I missed a few others, don't know the whole list)! Hope you are having a lovely time celebrating and eating a lot with family.

2. We don't do that much for Chinese New Year here in NZ, as most of our relatives are in Singapore, but we do try. My mom has a big dinner on the 'eve' and we get together with friends who are also here with few relatives.

3. Last year, the husband and I sorta 'skipped' Chinese New Year because something came up (hospital! ugh. was not fun but we are ok.) so this year I've tried to decorate a little and put a bit more effort into it. Wanna see?

**preggie talk ahead**

4. We've made it to 18 weeks people! AAHH! (That's like 4.5 months which is like halfway! Though they count to 40 weeks for the due date...)

5. Next week we will have our anatomy ultrasound. We get to see the baby! It is like Christmas. I think I have been looking forward to it for like two months. This will be one weekend where I don't mind if it goes too fast. Honest.

6. It is more obvious now that I'm pregnant, which is pretty freaky. It looks huge to me! Definitely still seems unreal sometimes when I look in the mirror.

7. I have felt some movements in there. It is very exciting! Another thing I never dared to dream about. Thankful!

8. The husband definitely thinks I have 'baby brain' which I've always been stubborn to believe is real but I think for me, this seems to be true. The other day I said something like," 14 + 2 = 18". And I'm supposed to be good at math. SAD.

**preggie talk over**

9. I loved this post the other day from (in)courage... I was actually drawn to its title, "Waiting in my Wings" because I thought of the verse from Psalm 91:4,

He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;

And then when I read it I found out that it was about waiting specifically to be a mother!

10. Weather- it is super muggy over here- 92% humidity right now- and we are all sweating the days away.

Over in Aussie they have just been hit with a MAJOR cyclone, with damage all over. Can't even begin to imagine! And I my bro in the States says, where he is, it has gone pretty nuts with the snow, power cuts, etc. Hope you all are keeping safe and sound wherever you are!

Life Lessons from Sammy The Dog

2011-02-04T21:50:00.000+13:00

1. Be consistent.

Poop in the same place.

2. Consider savings and investments.

Save for a rainy day and invest in quality things- Hide your bones in the dirt somewhere. (When you dig up the half decomposed yummy treat, they may be so 'pleased' with you that they keep the black and mouldy thing for themselves and give you a brand new one.)

If they anticipate that you'll bury the nice new bone and don't let you out, hide it in the couch when they are not looking. They'll never know.

(this cracked me up so much!)

3. Eat healthy.

Eat only what you need at breakfast and dinner. There's always gonna be more kibble, but work for the treats in between meals, that's the real deal.

4. Sleep well.

Sleep as much as you can in the day, so you can wake up before them and start warming up for the morning walk a couple hours before the man is ready. Tip: Lie right at their bedroom door just in case they miss you when they open it.

5. Communicate clearly.

Lick, wet-nose nudge, lean all your body weight, roll over, put head in lap, etc... These are obvious techniques for getting them to know you would like a rub. Tip: Stare deeply into their eyeballs. That often works.

6. Be yourself.

They might be surprised by who you are at first but they will come round eventually. The lady needs to learn that she can teach me new things and I do adapt to my new home, but really I will come as I am. This is good training for her for the future of motherhood and adoption maybe.

He Would Make a Good Dad

2011-01-29T13:22:00.002+13:00

Did you cry too when you watched the scene in Up when they did a montage of their marriage and they found out the couldn't have kids?

I even blinked back a few tears the other day in Tangled when the queen looks at the king and he is weeping because his daughter is missing. It felt so familiar.

How do you describe the impact of infertility or loss on a marriage? How do you express what you feel when you know your beloved is longing for the same thing you are and you are both helpless?

I may be pregnant and embracing it. (I mean, I even braved up today and entered my due date in the (usually evil) Babycenter website so they could send me stuff I should be thinking about, etc)... But the experiences don't leave you... at least not for a while.

These two powerful posts from Life As Two are SO worth reading.
You can read Funny Face first, as it is what the second post, A Father's Love, is then based on.

I know our journey has not been like theirs, but the feelings are so similar. She couldn't have put it in a better way.

What else have I been up to...

2011-01-25T17:06:00.001+13:00

Thought to just blog about something random for today...

Cos' it is summer over here, last week was a lazy week for the husband and I as we had a week off (again! yay.) We didn't go away but we stayed around- which was good cos' the weather was mostly miserable.

We enjoy doing things around the house and so here are a couple of things I managed to accomplish, which is pretty huge for me.

I'd been collecting these retro mirrors and storing them in the garage...

... so I finally dusted them off and the husband helped me remove the original wood-backings they had on them, and we stuck them on the wall. Believe it or not, I used 3M Command Hook/Picture Hanger things. Yes, those sticky velcro things. I'm a big fan of them.

And so they are now my dining area 'showpiece'. Very proud.

Do you remember this bookshelf I organised with my pretty boxes?

Well I finally got round to painting it cos' it was just made of ol' MDF and getting a little nasty. White of course.

I've probably shared this before haha but if you like home decor stuff too, The Nesting Place is my new favourite blog for little ideas here and there. We don't have a lot to spend around here, so I like to try and use what I have already, can recycle or what I can find cheaply. This blog shares a similar idea, as well as some other tips, which is fab. My friend KP and I ogle over it every now and then.

My friend Ruth recently shared this other link with me cos' we share the same love for lots of white and light. Beautiful! These kindsa blogs get addictive though, so I usually have to peel myself away from them eventually.

Along with home-type projects, I also love food. These past couple weeks I've made this twice- Thai Glass Noodle Salad... it is super spicy (lots of chilli) and always makes me cry like crazy but I love the hot and sour taste so much that I can't help but eat it all up!

This one was my second attempt, with beef and prawn and lots, like LOTS, of coriander!

My cousin all the way in England just mentioned something about having a slice chocolate cake on Facebook... ugh... why does chocolate cake have such a hold on me! Now I think I need to go see if I have the ingredients to make one... hmmm...

Loosely Accurate General Preg Timeline/Milestone Info

2011-01-22T13:12:00.001+13:00

A couple friends/family members have asked me when the main 'milestones' are in terms of pregnancy... like when would we know that everything's ok.

And generally, you can't be sure at anytime really, until the baby is born and you can see him/her, and the docs can check things, but I thought some of this info might be helpful. May be boring.

Those who know me (will laugh and) know that even though I'm a detailed person and have sat through many fertility appointments, when it comes to regurgitating certain info, like medical things, I pretty much zone out, so this is probably filled with incorrect terminology and slightly watered down science.

week 1
From week 1-8, they call baby 'an embryo'.

As a general rule of thumb, you start counting 'weeks of pregnancy' when your last period starts. (I know, I've always found that interesting cos' that is before sperm-meets-egg, but it is actually neat to think the whole process starts with the follicle/egg growing!)

week 2
End of this week is roughly when most ovulate (but it varies).

I don't take for granted that many of us struggle to even make it to week 2. IF-ers pray for good follicles here and may get an extra 'trigger' boost to make ovulation happen.

Yes let's just spell it out, this is when you want to be having sexual intercourse if you are trying to have a baby.

week 4
This is when your period may be due, and about the earliest anyone realises they are pregnant. IF-ers on fertility treatment often do a blood test here to find out after the dreadful two-week-wait.

week 6
IF-ers (and sometimes those who have suffered a miscarriage in the past) often have an ultrasound scan here to try to detect a yolk sac and heartbeat- heartbeat may not be detectable yet here. Some also scan around here for 'dating' if you don't ovulate regularly.

week 8
From about here or 9 weeks on, they call baby 'a foetus'.

RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) types may have another scan here to check on the baby. They may also be having regular blood tests every week since finding out, to track pregnancy hormone levels are rising like normally should...

I'm not huge on relying on stats, but overall, if a heartbeat is detected here, they say it is a 97% chance that you will carry to term.

week 12
This is the end of the first trimester. Losses that take place in the first trimester are called 'early miscarriages'.
(Again, stats don't mean a lot to me personally, but they can be helpful...) If you make it here with good bloods and good scans, they say the risk if miscarriage it no more than 1%.

For those on the more normal end, this is when you have your first scan. (You may also have the 'nuchal' option to the scan which is when they check on the probablility of your child having Down Syndrome.)

That's why, for many, they announce their pregnancy to the wider public around 12-14 weeks.

week 20
Those under specialists may have been doing scans more often, but overall, you have your 'anatomy' scan around here, when they check on the baby's organs and how they are functioning, etc.

Many also find out the sex of the baby here. Or not. (We are hoping to!)

Losing a baby after the first trimester and before 20-ish weeks is sometimes termed a 'late miscarriage'. (Note: light bleeding in the second and third trimester is often caused by other things, not necessarily because baby is in trouble. )

If the baby dies after 20 weeks (some sources may vary), this is called a 'preterm birth' or a 'stillbirth'.

week 24-25ish
This is the third trimester.

Some babies born around here survive so they they reach a stage of potential viability. (Some countries will register a baby born here as a birth.)

For many, reaching this is another big milestone.

week 30+
There's another scan around here to check on the placenta, position, etc.

[Probably missing some good info here... blah blah...]

week 37-42
Pregnancies last around 38 weeks. So 37-42 weeks is when people usually expect to have the baby.

Ultimately, making it here would be fab!

Ten Things at 10am

2011-01-15T12:13:00.003+13:00

** Caution: pregnacy-talk in this post. IF-ers who want to skip, feel free. Or just look at photos and fastforward to point 10.**

(new year, new clock photo!)

It is already 10:30 am but I thought to do this anyway... I'll write about my pregnancy since I haven't really shared a whole lot about it.

1. We have made it to 15 weeks and 5 days. Yes I'm marvelling that I can say those numbers, they are like a dream to me!

2. We are still nervous, but we are trying to celebrate and experience it to the best of our abilities. I've heard the baby's heartbeat once (at 11 weeks- Ohmygosh. It is crazyawesome. I had no idea. The dear midwife and I started crying.) and we haven't checked on anything since! We have another appointment with the mid-wife next week, so hopefully that'll provide some relief.

3. Part of trying to be 'normal'... we have bought a couple things already. Haha. It was supposed to just be 'research' but we found a couple second-hand baby things on trademe so we got them. Pretty stoked.

4. Even though some books have said to not buy any maternity clothes early on, I've bought some shorts and jeans. I am already uncomfortable in my usual stuff... so I thought why not embrace it all while I can...

(random interesting photo to make wordy post more interesting)

5. I will admit that losing this baby is not far from my mind (though there are zero signs of any complications up til now. Praise God!) but the husband and I are resolving to take it as it comes. Right now things look good so we will go with good!

6. I'm feeling better. My sickness/fatigue/combo wasn't fab for a while, but I didn't have any vomiting which I'm thankful for and the evenings are still a little yucky, but I think the outline of my shape/dent on the work couch and on my own couch at home is slowly going to go- yay.

Other than lying on the couch I also have spent most of the last couple months planning what to eat next, eating, planning what to snack on next to get rid of weird taste, eating, but not eating too much cos' that can make me feel sick, and planning what to eat next that doesn't make me feel sick. Fascinating. My social life has been pretty sad.

7. You know when I did that half-marathon at the end of October? Yeah. I was already pregnant then. Mad huh? Looking back it makes sense that I was so super-thirsty and slower than the usual slow haha.

My GP and I had a laugh (in a sorta 'incredulous' way) when I told her because no recurrent-miscarriage-person should be running half-marathons when they are pregnant, or anything close to that... yet we did and we are okay, oh gosh. Not that I would've done it if I'd known!

8. This is my fifth pregnancy guys. yikes. The only one that's made it past 12 weeks. Saying 'fifth' is unreal.

9. I found out I was pregnant a few days after I came back from that 2-day trip to Dunedin (yes sorry I was unable to share the news for a while) to visit a dear friend in November. I had been dreadfully tired (my poor host! I was not the most energetic visitor haha... ) which I just thought nothing of but then I started to get nauseous and that was the point where I was like, "What the?"...

Dealing with IF for a while, you get so anti about doing pregnancy tests so the husband and I weren't sure whether to or not... but it got to the weekend and there weren't any doctors to call so we did one. And another one. And sat around in shock for a long time.

10. Not to make light of it, but this pregnancy has been so ridiculous (God you are hilarious in a good way) in so many ways... not only did I do that running (see point 7) which is a big NO-NO in old-wives-tips realms as well as especially for pregnancy loss types (which is totally fair enough)...

Believe it or not, I was also SUPER STRESSED in the weeks that we supposedly conceived. HA. (I don't have a cycle so it was based on a dating scan.)

(cute photo of sammy so everyone will like him)

It was Sammy. Sammy had just arrived a little bit before and we were totally uptight because he brought a bundle of dramas which made us think we'd done the wrong thing getting him... and we were thinking, 'Oh what have we done... we're supposed to make our lives more relaxed not worse... we are gonna lose all our friends.' (Like it was serious. He attacked people. BUT Thankfully Sammy has improved a lot!)

So. So much for all those comments to tell people (especially infertility-types) to relax and get pregnant. (I know I know there's good-heartedness and some medical-ness behind them but... ) I'm trying to hold back from saying, "In yo face, preggie-tips!" and I'm personally secretly glad I debunked a couple of those haha.

(i'm smiling, and getting wide, like this crazygingerbread woman.)

Fab Friends

2011-01-10T14:35:00.000+13:00

It is the second week of the year already! I hope you had some time to relax before the new year kicked in.

A few weeks ago I spotted this great post by Amy (at Destination Life) she is a friend of Heather, who is a blog friend.

I have come to know a bit about Heather (she has dealt with IF too and is currently agonizingly waiting for their adoption process to progress) but I know nothing about Amy. All I know is that she is a wonderful friend and what she shared meant a lot to me.

I hope and pray you do or will have someone like her in your life. I have been fortunate to have a few whom I'm sure have had simlar feelings to Amy.

I think it is not easy being a friend to someone who has or is going through infertility and/or miscarriage. The stuff we feel and go through can be pretty intense and consuming and I can imagine can be a lot to try and empathise with.

So... this is a big THANK YOU to those of you who have been travelling alongside ones like myself. You are so appreciated!

Anyway. Go read her post.

And if you want you can also go and see how my other blog friend Grace is doing settling into life with her son whom they recently brought home from Korea! Very cute photos and super exciting.

Going Public

2011-01-04T10:29:00.001+13:00

Okay so not everyone will approve of this maybe but yesterday I posted our news on Facebook. I thought about it for a long (LONG) time and I decided to do it.

I know I know. Previously, I've moaned about how pregnancy announcements (like ones on Facebook) can be so hard- and they are... whatever the means of communication is. (Interestingly, since being pregnant, I have still found them difficult! Hard one to decipher.) So I tried to make sure I worded it sensibly and I emailed/messaged close friends a while beforehand so hopefully it lessens those who may find it hard or too surprising, as the surprise factor is always an element of it too.

You can't please everyone huh. And I know I'd like to so this is a learning process for me too.

For me writing that 'status' thing was a way for us to 'go public' and also to celebrate this baby. I also wanted to acknowledge that there are many friends and family who are with us on this ride, especially those who have been praying for us... this is answer to their prayers too... so I hope that was obvious.

Oh this is what I said if you are curious (yeah I maximised the 420-ish spaces you are allowed haha):

We have a bun in the oven. Not kidding. As u can imagine, we are thankful beyond words, n God has definitely surprised us with this ridiculously awesome gift. Thankful for many of u who have been praying for n journeying with us. We've also made it to 14 weeks, which is a massive miracle n further (n less complicated) than our previous pregnancies. Celebrate n pray with us that we will be able to carry baby to term!

Overall... I am grateful for the fact that I even get to say, 'We're pregnant.' That has been a phrase that I have become so allergic to these past years. I know some of you guys know what I mean.

Hmmm... I guess the conflicting beast that infertility is continues for a while!

ANYWAY. I'm on break, can you tell? That's why I have time to post haha. Talk more soon.

New

2011-01-03T11:56:00.003+13:00

(New laundry line that my in-laws provided for us!)

Hi there. As I write this I have laundry in the machine that's done but I can't quite get myself to hang it up just yet (despite the nice new laundry hangy thing we have which is fab, plus it is summer...), the husband is mowing the lawn and Sammy is walking in and out of the house bringing cut grass with him. Ha. New year but life goes on huh!

(This was Sammy this morning, enjoying the sunshine out back!)

Happy New Year! I don't know if I quite know how to approach beginning a new year these days. I'm learning to pray for God's plan to unfold, and for Him to help us deal with it if it is not always what we want haha. Sigh. Of course there are also so many things to be thankful for in the past year... and a new year to look ahead also brings much hope, which is refreshing... but the whole 'new year' thing is one of those things that we all do differently I guess. Any traditions?

Anyway. I just wanted to write a quick post. I'm in the midst of updating my calendars. Yes I physically write dates in my new calendar and new diary. Yeah a bit old school but kinda fun. And I'm one of those people that has to be on a roll and has to keep up with it or I lose it and it never gets done! So can't be too long here haha.

The husband's birthday was on New Year's Eve and I just wanted to celebrate him a little. He is a fabulous husband and I can't say enough about him. I've been a terrible wife these last couple months because the morning/all-day sickness and fatigue has been pretty killer, yet he has dealt with it and not complained. (Besides making a cheesecake for his birthday I didn't even do much else! Thankfully my in-laws were here from Canada and my parents came over too... so that was still a treat and we had a little dinner for him. )

(Baked cappucino cheesecake! Recipe here.)

The husband is everything I could ask for. I also love that we are such good friends and companions and I am so thankful for that.

(Recent wedding we were at!)

Our new nephew was born on his birthday (yeah!) so that was a super cool birthday present for him. Of course, this baby we are expecting is also a gift- early Christmas gift, birthday gift, everything gift really. I think we are still so overwhelmed and will continue to be for a while. We make it to 14 weeks today which is unbelievable. AAhhhhhhhh!!! (Due date is 4th of July!)

The past couple years have been a bit tumultuous for the husband and so I'm praying for a calmer year and a also a year of healing from all the 'drama' that has left us a little bruised.

Anyway. This was a bit of a random post but just wanted to say hi and hope you have had a good start to the new year. Who knows what's in store?

(This was us saying GOODBYE to 2010. Then I really had to go to bed and the husband went to enjoy some fireworks with friends haha.)

[oh. the husband hung up the laundry for me. ahh. sweet guy! haha.]

A note to you.

2010-12-29T12:01:00.000+13:00

A special note to IF friends and sisters, and others who are/have been waiting with me:

Hi there. Your support and encouragement has been invaluable to me.

SO. Now I have become one of "those" women, who tried almost everything, was on a break, applied for adoption, and got pregnant out of the blue. I am praying my story does not haunt and irritate other waiting-women for years to come- but I have no control over it (I'm sorry... sigh!).

At the same time, I know this story is a miracle. I have not tracked an ovulation for the three years we've been trying, besides when on fertility drugs. I mean, I have joked about an immaculate conception, but I feel like this comes pretty close and I'm so thankful for this. I'm also so aware that the fact that we've made it to 13 weeks and 2 days of pregnancy with no complications is another miracle, after the ones we've lost early.

I don't know why God has decided to show us such grace at this time, yes we have been praying and others too, but so have you for your child, so why me and not you, and why now and not before or later, who knows?

We don't take this for granted and we are trying our best to celebrate each day of it, while praying we can carry this one to term.

When I wrote 'unexpected journey' in the little blurb under my blog title I didn't really think of this extent of the unexpected! Gosh. Yet at the same time we've been praying for it so what else was I thinking? I'm also still keen to continue this blog so we'll see what happens.

I just wanted to acknowledge you and let you know that your support and prayers are what have sustained us and continue to be needed. I also want to keep caring for you so please let me know how best I can.

Love s

Christmas Day

2010-12-25T21:50:00.005+13:00

Merry Christmas everyone!

(nativity set from my in-laws. first christmas that i get to display them! fun times.)

How are you doing?

I know today is a day of celebrating and enjoying time with friends and family. For us we pretty much received our gift and Christmas miracle early- our pregnancy. (um... Read previous post if you missed that.) Who knew? I still can't help but say it all seems so crazy. However I have also been thinking of those in the midst of a heart-breaking time.

I have two special friends who have gone through miscarriages this week. Each of them are very dear to me and it is heart-breaking to know they are grieving for their little child, especially right in this season of what should be joy and hope. Even though I can relate, I want so much to comfort them but words still escape me.

I also acknowledge a friend who misses her mother who has passed, and another friend who is going through a marriage separation.

These are all paths they also never imagined they'd be on. At times like Christmas, as much as it is a wonderful time, I'm sure you IF-ers know too, the realities of life can be so hard to avoid- yet another Christmas tree with no presents under it to buy for the child you imagine you'd have by now.

'I'm praying for you' is what I say, but it can seem so empty or overused when the depth of the pain appears so bottomless...

Oh Lord I continue to be thankful and overwhelmed by the infinite nature of your grace and mercy. The birth of Christ signifies the hope and life you bring. Yet I'm sure You also knew the double-edged-ness on the day of His birth, as it would mean His death and sacrifice for all of ours. (I think there is a song about this or maybe many songs but I can't remember it right now.)

You probably also had great joy and great sorrow as Jesus was welcomed to this broken world- knowing what was to come. I pray for comfort for these dear friends Lord. It can only come from You. All the words and gifts we may bring are useless and ultimately empty without You involved.

There are also so many questions we bring Lord. Could you have made it less painful? Better timing? Saved it for when we were prepared? How long more?

Anyway. We bring you these messed-up things and we know there is no other way but to let you handle them.

I know. Sorta heavy. But that's just what's on my mind. Hmmm...

It is actually already the end of Christmas day here. I had a lovely day (pancakes, presents, Skype, family, friends, etc. ) with special family here and I hope the same has been/will be for you too.

(this is what my living room is looking like...)

Goodnight!

Spilling the Beans

2010-12-24T08:27:00.001+13:00

** caution: pregnancy-type stuff in here**

(this was my christmas craft this year... started as just a wreath using stuff i had... became a candy cane wreath!)

It is Christmas Eve here. I don't know if this is the best time for where you are at to tell you my news, because I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of these... but I need to let you know. I've been um-ing and ah-ing for the last six weeks wanting to tell you guys this but for different reasons I had to wait.

Guys, I'm pregnant.

Joke? No. Not kidding.

Did I just use the dreaded p-word? Yes.

Ridiculous? Yes.

Madly ridiculous? Amen.

Surprise? Big time.

Miracle? OH BOY YES on multiple levels. You may know we were in a local adoption process where we were going to be 'approved' of as adoptive parents, right about now (so they will make us put that on hold)... We conceived without help! (For three years I've never ovulated on my own and suddenly here we are...) We also have made it past 12 weeks which is in another realm of miracles.

Confused? Totally. I have felt very much like Zechariah and Elizabeth in Luke 1 in the Bible- speechless and shown great mercy.

Celebrating? Yes.

Thankful? Yes.

Cautious about how I feel? Sadly, because of our history still yes, but trying to enjoy it too.

I have SO MANY SO MANY thoughts, so many posts I've imagined in my head and things I want to say but I'm going to keep this post short because I have a knack for making things complicated and this needs to be simple for now haha.

I'm also thinking of you as it is Christmas and this is a bittersweet time for many.

I love this song Christmas Offering by Casting Crowns, let's see if I know how to embed a video in a post... hmmm...

Talk more soon guys... Have a wonderful Christmas Eve/eve-of-the-eve.

Five In One

2010-12-10T11:20:00.000+13:00

Okay so the problem with not keeping up with blogging is that there starts to be so many things to say! Today I'm going to list- just to 5.

(this star has 5-points too. i know. deep.)

Stick with me people, there's some exciting stuff to be shared! Warning: lots of links so be prepared to right-click and 'open in new tab' (hopefully haha), lots of things relating to Christmas. (If you don't have the stamina for this list today, at least read point 1!)

1. CELEBRATION TIME! Grace and her husband at Chois-R-Us who are adopting have finally finally gotten their call to go to Korea.

She has been waiting for her son to come home for so long. Many of us have been waiting with her. She is a fabulous blogger and never fails to make me laugh. I'm just so stoked for her and her husband that their journey to bringing their dear boy home is at a final stage. Praying that things continue smoothly from here on and there are no hiccups. Woopwoop!

2. SHOPPING IDEA. Online shopping can be so good. Through Grace, I found this blog by Kelly- Life with Briar. They have also adopted and this blog is about life with their daughter. What's also fun is that Kelly makes crochet hats, clips and other fun accessories! Her Etsy shop is called BriarClaire (and I've already bought a couple things for my nieces overseas hehe).

3. CHRISTMAS. Christmas trees are going up all around us! Have you done yours? For the first few years of marriage, the husband and I delayed getting a Christmas tree because we (like many other couples) thought to wait until we had kids.

About a year into our infertility journey, we realised we could be waiting for a long time... so we decided to 'stuff it' and get a tree. I love that we made that decision to start enjoying what Christmas is about (like not simply about children) and creating our own traditions with or without kids. It was actually also good for us because it reminded us that we are a whole and complete family unit even as two.

4. IF AND CHRISTMAS. For those dealing with infertility or loss, Christmas is a hard time because there are so many reminders of things we are waiting for or miss. What are some aspects you struggle with? How are you coping? What are some ways you've found that help?

I don't have any great thoughts right at this moment but I'd love to come up with a 'guide' so if you have any ideas let me know.

Here are a few links that have caught my attention:

Stirrup Queens wrote a post a week ago, 'Fire and Ice', thinking through whether to go to possibly-difficult baby-related events or not... not totally related to Christmas but sorta is... and is interesting.

She's also got this popular older post that is a Holiday Survival Guide for IF-types that is pretty funny in parts.

My recent favourite The Nester writes this post about doing less and enjoying more this season- not related to infertility or baby loss but something to think about for those like me who can tend to make life more complicated than necessary sometimes!

(She also has awesome ideas for wreaths and other 'crafts' if you like that sorta stuff. See the bottom of this post.)

Beckie's Infertility Diaries posts about how it is so easy to think other people have had an easier time when maybe they didn't. TOTALLY. Overly beautiful pregnant women, sweet happy families with tons of kids, perky parents of newborns, um... yup I'm horrible I know I know. But how many times have I walked past with so much seething envy? ALL based on assumptions that it was a smooth ride for them, when I have no idea. This, unlike me sigh, is a sweet post.

5. BODY STUFF. On quite a different note, after a Christmas meal or not, I often struggle with dealing with how I look, and weight issues, my imperfections in general etc.

I waste a lot of precious energy concerned about this stuff and am continually having to go to God about this. I've come a long way but this has been a life-long thing for me- and probably will be.

This post, 'The Scale', at (in)courage is a good reminder, as when we let our minds get too preoccupied with 'fat or not fat', 'heavy or too heavy', 'eat this or not', not just are we doing damage to ourselves but also to others who see us as an example- daughters, friends, those we mentor, other women around us etc.

This topic really gets me going so I can go on about it for a while, haha, but I will leave it for another day!

So that's me for now. Hopefully not too long until the next post.

Married for Six Years!

2010-11-30T10:24:00.001+13:00

(not us. stock photo.)

This past weekend, the husband and I celebrated our 6th year wedding anniversary. Woopwoop! We had breakfast together (at McDonald's haha) and also had a lovely dinner at a nice restaurant.

We have also started this random tradition of getting a gift for each other only on the day, where we go to a mall, set a budget (this year it was $20 each) and a time limit and go find a fun gift for each other. We wait (this part is his idea not mine!) until we get home (painful) and then we exchange it.

I think it came out of relieving each other of the pressure of getting anniversary gifts, figuring how much to spend, what to get, getting annoyed if one forgot haha, etc. Especially because our anniversary is pretty close to Christmas and the husband's birthday, this has been a fun activity we can do together and on the day of the anniversary itself.

This year the husband got me a lovely ornament from Redcurrent (very pretty store, love it) and a home decor magazine that had heaps of Christmas ideas in it (ahhh! Too many ideas now!), while I got him a Mini magazine (like the Mini as in the type of car) and a big bag of lollies/candy cos' his magazine was a special import from the UK and sorta used up most of the budget haha.

So here we are six years on. Crazy! It has also been the American Thanksgiving (even though we don't really celebrate it here in NZ some of my American friends do) so we've been thinking about what we are thankful for.

The husband and I are thankful to God for:

- good support from people around us this past year, like a counsellor who has given us his wisdom and time for free!
- a great team we work with who have been flexible with us and given us lots of grace when we need it...
- a marriage where we are each other's best friend and we enjoy each other's company
- a marriage that has endured some unexpected things like job dramas, grief, medical things, infertility, etc, yet remained on the same page on the whole,
- things He is continually doing in our lives that we don't have control over (ugh have to say I love/hate it!)
- to be honest, just overall survival of another year.

On another note... today I spotted a couple posts on (in)courage that were neat.
Here they are:

- Staying Sane this Christmas (I need this because this year I'm a bit overwhelmed by how fast it has come by!)
- The Depth of an Empty Womb (I know each of us is at different places in this journey, and this author feels like she can 'see the light' and while not everyone may feel like this yet, it is still a good reminder to focus on God's promises... even if we don't feel like it!)

My Talk-In-Front-of-Church Thingy

2010-11-23T13:46:00.001+13:00

If you meet me in real life you'll immediately know I'm not an upfront-speak-to-crowd kind of person. That's why this past Sunday was especially scary and cool. Scary that I was sharing some of our story to the whole church, but cool that I got the opportunity to do it and hopefully it reached out to someone who maybe has been on a similar path.

My prayer was that I wouldn't cry and wouldn't cough. Neither of those are majorly life-threatening (in fact, I highly support crying) but I just knew it would be good for me (i.e. prevent mind block up on stage) in this case if I didn't. Thank God that it all went smoothly and I managed to hold of the crazy coughing for later.

Here's what I said:

Are you where you thought you would be a few years ago?

I'm sure many of you can understand what it is like to be on an unexpected journey.

I’m S. My husband J and I got married six years ago. In our third year into marriage we decided to start trying for a baby, little did we know what lay ahead.

These past three years we have undergone eight rounds of fertility treatment, I have had two surgeries, we have gone on holiday, we have tried to relax, we have had less caffeine, we have taken more vitamins, we have lost weight, gained weight, exercised, not exercised, tried alternative methods, basically tried different things to get pregnant. [Managed to get a few laughs here...]

In this time we have conceived and sadly we have lost four little lives early on in pregnancy.

Where this journey is hardest, is all the unknowns... naive as it may sound, some days we feel like yelling, this is not what I signed up for!

Questions that we sometimes ask are: How long will we wait? Will we ever have children? What treatment should we pursue? How many rounds?

Should we even pursue treatment? How do we trust God to provide? When do we consider other options? How do we cope with this rollercoaster of hope and disappointment?

I acknowledge that J and I have been fortunate enough to get pregnant, but for us, the question is also, will we carry a baby to term?

As you can imagine infertility and pregnancy loss impacts marriage. Jason and I deal with these issues so differently, that it can be very difficult to be on the same page.

There is also a deep sense of grief and depression that exists when dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss. With infertility, you mourn the child you dreamt of having, the thought of having a family.

With miscarriage, you mourn the child you carried for a time but won't get to meet in this lifetime and the things you longed to experience with them... and for some couples you ache to provide a sibling to an existing child.

It is a hard one to escape as there are so many reminders around us of what we miss or don’t have. Events like Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day and Father's Day can be met with such mixed feelings for those of us on this journey. J and I are full of joy for loved ones around us but we also feel the pain of yet another year celebrating it without kids.

I share this with you because infertility or loss is real for many couples around us. They may be your friends, family or colleagues. They may be open with their journey or they may be more private.
If you and your spouse are going through this, [our church] would just like to let you know that we want to care for you.

We’re not sure what this looks like yet, but we would definitely like to pray for you and support you. We understand that this is a difficult journey so we want to provide a place where you feel you can feel safe about it. This may be in the shape of a group, meeting up for a coffee or maybe even just a regular email.

You can contact me blahblah, etc...

Thank you.

I was shaking when I did it and I shook even after I sat down next to the husband. I hope no one noticed haha.

It was especially neat because the message was on community and how to be caring for each other in a deeper and real way (Galatians um... somewhere in there... I obviously wasn't paying enough attention!) so my bit served as an introduction to the message. Felt pretty special!

Doing this meant so much to me. It also occured very strongly to me how cared for I am by people around me, and how supported I am by the church with this whole idea to set up a kind of support network for others dealing with infertility, pregnancy loss or related issues.

I'm praying that wherever you are and whatever stage you're at, that you will also have someone you can talk to or feel safe with on this journey, as it can just be such a peculiar one to understand.

Sickie

2010-11-20T08:28:00.001+13:00

I've been sick the last couple days... down with a kind of cold and just ol' sore-throat-pain-and-yuckiness. Trying not to splutter all over the keyboard. EW.

But hopefully I'm getting there. Being in bed or on the couch all day is no fun. It sounds fun but when you actually have to do it it is not.

What are you like when you are sick?

I'm:

- paranoid that suddenly everything is super dirty and needs a clean. I think I imagine germs multiplying as I'm sleeping and breathing on it. NEED TO NEED TO: Change the sheets (done), ask the husband if he can vacuum (haha), wash the dog, wipe the whole house down, etc.

- hungry for everything but not really. I think cos' your senses get dulled you just want to taste tasty things, but then when you eat it it isn't actually that great cos' you're not feeling great enough to enjoy it? I may be one of those people who miraculously gains weight while sick.

- wanting chicken soup. So I made some in the crock pot for myself (and the husband). Love the crock pot cos' it is so 'self-cooking'.

- too uncomfortable to be in one position for too long. Sleeping isn't fun, sitting isn't fun, standing isn't fun, TV is boring. Oh I'm such a joy to be around. Thankfully it has just been Sammy and I.

- consuming a lot of honey and lemon.

- wondering if coughing so much can give you good abs?

- not sure how I would do this if I had a baby. I guess you just do what you gotta do. Or ring grandma.

- getting a bit concerned about how the world is managing to survive without me! Haha.

But no seriously, being stuck at home recovering from something always makes me realise how much I need to trust God for my sense of worth, not the things I do or achieve.

- doing an announcement-thingy-about-IF/LOSS stuff tomorrow at church so hoping that I don't sound too much like I've been travelling in the desert looking for water and chain-smoking at the same time. Sigh. Timing can be funny... I'm sure it'll be ok.

Haha... Not a terribly exciting post for today. Hope you have a good weekend ahead guys!

What's Great About Now...

2010-11-14T21:56:00.001+13:00

This weekend I got to spend some time alone at Browns Bay. It was nice taking a walk and have a nosey around the shops. Here is a pic I took while sitting on the bench.

(there were lotsa people and dogs out and about, but somehow they didn't feature in my shot... haha... oh well!)

Ahhh thankful for lovely days and gelato. haha. Yeah I had a double scoop of gelato- chocolate and hazelnut. MMmmmmm.

(Except it was a cash-only shop and I never carry cash on me these days, so I had to go and get money from an ATM, but I think the shopowners are pretty used to it cos' she let me have my ice-cream and trusted me to come back with the money. How nice!)

The warm weather reminds us that Christmas is coming up (yeah weird for some of you I know!) and I love it. What do you like about this time of the year?

I like:

1. Christmas and all its trimmings like ornaments, wrapping presents, food, etc.

2. Starbucks releases its Christmas-flavours of drinks! Yum.

3. Summer = warmth. (Though it might get hot and there are flies but besides that...) Having barbecues and hanging out outside.

4. Cos' it is warm, we will wear less layers, which means (theoretically) less laundry! haha.

5. Ice-cream/gelato/frappucino/milkshakes/smoothies, give it to me baby!

6. Music. Love Christmas music.

Last year my bro and sis-in-law got me Chris Tomlin's Glory in the Highest (if you can, listen to the 11th track by Audrey Assad, I love it even thought it isn't winter here... gorgeous! Reminds me I'd like to check out her own album... ) and Mercy Me's The Christmas Sessions for Christmas so I'm looking forward to playing it leading up to Christmas instead of after Christmas this time haha...

Anyway. That's me for now. What about you?

Sunday night here. Better head to bed. Have a good day!

One Year On

2010-11-12T18:51:00.002+13:00

Today is the anniversary of when we lost Baby N. Yesterday I bought flowers to make it a bit more special but sadly when I brought them home, they were more floppy than I'd realised. (Darn those sneaky supermarket-sleeve-flowers and my lousy judgement haha... Oh well. )

How quickly a year has gone by. A year since the husband flew back from the States in a rush to be with me. A year since being at the hospital with my dear friend C who took care of everything while I panicked in pain. Thank you God for how you worked everything out somehow.

The grief has definitely subsided. Something you never feel is going to happen when you are in the midst of it and can hardly see past the hour. Though there is still a deep longing to know what Baby N looks like and what life would have been (as with all the babies we long to meet)... Life is interesting huh.

It is curious thinking about what I remember of the day I found out the pregnancy definitely wasn't progressing (the scan, going for something as normal as a meal after as there was nothing we could do and it was something to do aside from crying), the next day (arranging a D & C as by then I'd been bleeding for a while) and then that night/the following day when it all happened naturally and so quickly yet kinda also in slow-motion.

So many difficult memories, yet it was a deep and impactful time too, it especially impacted my relationships (with my mother who was there at the last scans, with my friend C who coached me through contractions that I for some reason didn't expect, and my husband who sped from airport to hospital in crazy shock).

One thing that the miscarriages have made me think about a lot is heaven. What is heaven like? I'm still figuring it out. A topic I never really had to think too much about in terms of specifics. It also has made me really want to go there, not in a scary way but just in a it-will-be-so-awesome-when-we-get-there kind of way.

Even this year has continued to be a bit of a confusing year, but we can definitely see how God has been taking such good care of us. The fact that we have simply survived a year is a good thing! To be honest I'm not sure where the year has gone. It feels like it sorta just disappeared, all I know is I'm tired but here I am... haha.

So. We're really not sure what the future holds but it surely is going to be 'good' because it is in God's hands. He is a faithful God. Oh how I need to remember that on the trickier days!

(we decided to buy bears to for each of our children, to remember them by even if there is little to hang on to. here are just three of them... two have their nickname-initialed on their foot!)

Thoughts on Naomi

2010-11-07T16:47:00.002+13:00

I've been quite interested in the character of Naomi from the book of Ruth in the Bible. Initially I just thought she had a lovely name but I also really struggled to understand why she wanted to be called 'Mara' instead which means bitter- so much more ugly-sounding!

Recently, I got to read a Francine Rivers book Lineage of Grace, and it had a version of Ruth and Naomi's story. (I don't read a lot of Christian-fiction but I have enjoyed some Francine Rivers books as it helps me picture what life may have been like in history.) I was really intrigued by how Francine Rivers detailed these women, especially Naomi.

It occured to me how her life contained so much loss. She lost her husband Elimelech and both her sons. Thinking back to the way life was in Bible times, to go from a woman married with two sons (her life was probably pretty secure in terms of income and social standing), to having NONE of those.

Instead she returned to her homeland with nothing but a Moabitess on tow, who was a foreigner to them. This would've been a big no-no to the locals and they probably weren't very well received or welcomed.

I know this is not my situation but I think this connected with me because I'm learning so much about loss through things such as the husband and I having to change jobs and give up some dreams we had about our career future, through infertility and miscarriage, as well as through friends who have lost close ones.

There was also a situation earlier this year where the thought of losing the husband became very real to me. Thankfully this did not happen and I still have him but in a sense that day was life-changing and it made me think about the realities of life.

I guess with so much of our lives revolving around the idea of progress, advancement and plans on what you are going to do next, (and a lot of our identity is linked to these things) it hits you hard when your life is on 'pause' or for some even, like Naomi, in 'rewind'... when stuff is taken away.

A friend of ours has gone through a devastating marriage breakdown and he was talking about how he never thought years later he'd be back in this place of being single with a crappy car and a few bits of furniture- with really just 'nothing to show' for his life... I'm sure he thought he'd still be married, possibly with kids, and at a good point in his career... but it hasn't quite turned out how we all thought for him... it reminded me of Naomi.

NO WONDER she was upset. No wonder she wanted to be called Mara. I only understand a smidgen of her pain and yet I can understand why she would have called out in despair and anguish. When I was younger it was so easy for me to think she should've just 'gotten over it'... now bitterness is something that I'm more familiar with.

However, I also think even though she called herself a bitter person, she must've loved God and showed it. The fact that her daughter-in-law Ruth wanted to follow her God says something about Naomi. She probably demonstrated God's love through her strength and perseverance even back when they were living in Moab, a foreign land with foreign gods, or else Ruth wouldn't have followed her back to Bethlehem. You know what I mean?

Our friend whom I mentioned has also left us with a lot to learn. He's clung to God the best way he can through this process. I'm sure there are days where he is still angry like Naomi was (uh... I've been through less and I am!)... but as friends we can see that pleasing and following God has been his priority.

Ruth could've gone back to her family and started a new life, but she chose to stay with Naomi. I know it also demonstrates Ruth's character and commitment, but I would imagine that Naomi probably also had something about her that caused Ruth to want to adopt her faith. Naomi also demonstrated her care in helping Ruth find a new husband- Boaz, an older man but a godly man.

This is something I thought was worth considering... asking myself if I'm continually putting God first in all the aspects of my life. A hard one to do though huh?

Anyway. Just love it when there's parts in the Bible that suddenly seem to make so much sense or speak to us where we are at. I guess that is a way God speaks to us and comforts us through His word.

Hmmm...

Hope you are having a good weekend.

Ten Things at 10 am

2010-11-06T10:51:00.004+13:00

Today I'm starting at 8:30 am because maybe by 10am I'll actually be ready to post haha.

1. I had a wonderful time in Dunedin. It was great having a couple of days away from 'normal' life, spending time with my friend P, and checking out the little city. It was beautiful weather too which was a huge bonus as it can get cold down there!

One of the highlights was visiting the Cadbury factory... CHOCOLATE! Even though some of the original products are no longer made there, they still make lotsa fun stuff like the boxed chocolates and easter eggs. It was a fun tour and you get chocolate as the guide takes you through. yum.

(pointing is a bit off... )

(us in the sugar bowl... this is my fave pic!)

2. I've been thinking about how to explain infertility to others in a short and sweet way (if that's possible)... because I am giving a notice at church sometime soon to tell them about the church's desire to have a support group or network for those struggling with infertility and/or miscarriage loss. This is huge for me because those who know me know I'm not at all an upfront person, plus I'm pretty much baring my all by being up there!

However, I'm so thankful for this opportunity as this is something I'm excited about, but kinda freaked out at the same time. You can pray for the right words to say in that short time (like 2 mins), so that women for whom this is relevant to will feel safe and comfortable to maybe respond or at least feel cared for, and also that the rest of the church will gain bit more insight into this topic. Also if you have any good quotes or ideas, let me know!

3. Another blogger Heather posted about this video, Empty Arms. This has been on my resources page too but I thought to post about it again because it is just a really well done project.

It is a video that explains infertility so well... if you haven't seen it I encourage you too- there may be tears though! I also like how Heather puts it in her post where she said, "You guys all know that we are adopting, and though that is seen as a "resolution," the stamp of infertility on our hearts will never truly go away." I think she says it in such a succint way.

4. I have thought of posting the above video on my Facebook page just for some friends who may be interested to watch it or pass it on to others, but I'm still not really sure about it! As much as I have been super open about my journey, I also don't always know how much to say about infertility/miscarriage stuff on Facebook. Funny huh? Hmmmm. What do you think?

5. When I was in Dunedin I met a girl who'd been in foster care. It broke my heart to hear that her mom for various reasons was struggling to cope with her kids, and had to give two of them up to be taken care of by another family. This little girl was now back with her mother, but her brother is still with the care-giving family. What a mess. I am not here to judge but I'm just saying it was simply so impacting talking with this real life child who was in the midst of this. I don't dare to imagine the impact this is having on these children.

As the husband and I have been thinking through these situations linked to adoption, etc, it just really hit home and I wondered if God was just nudging me to slowly open my heart to the various ways I can parent one day, even if it is not conventional... not sure yet, but it was a conversation I'll remember!

6. Summer is on its way... so that means strawberries! Yay. Looking forward to more.

7. Aren't peonies just so beautiful? I wanted peonies for my wedding but we couldn't get them at the time. They are such gorgeous flowers huh! These were some we spotted when I was down south.

8. Sammy's chicken-legs stretch. See what I mean?

9. About a week ago I finally finished lining some of our room curtains. Yeah I sewed the lining on by hand cos' it was quite thick and I'm not so used to how machines work still. Felt very accomplished. Um... think I've had this project on for like way too long! Anyway, very relieved to be finished. We haven't put them up yet but we'll get there hopefully haha...

10. Rocky Road- Snickers RR on the left, and and newly discovered Cookies 'N Cream RR on the right. I found the 'original' Snickers recipe in a Women's Weekly Cookbook (great books). They were an instant hit with the girls.

Recently, I stole some inspiration from my friend K and made this Cookies 'N Cream one. So awesome. These are great treats for bringing over to parties or as gifts! Let me know if you want either recipe. (Sometimes I take a while to email you but I do do it eventually haha...)

Thanks for reading! Have a great day.

(oOPS. We were cleaning as I typed this off and on. Now it is 11. ha.)

Phew.

2010-11-02T16:18:00.004+13:00

I survived my 21 km! Thanks for all the support you guys. I had a lovely crew who cheered me on. It was so hard- I hit a wall unexpectedly earlier than planned, then it was survival-mode from then on. I'm proud to say I didn't walk and I still did it in a great time for my standards. I made it in 2 hours 7 mins!

Thank you God for helping me through one of the longest two hours ever! Still felt great at the end though.

(Running photos are terrible and one day I will post a photo of me NOT in running gear cos' I'm really not as hard-core-sporty as it looks. I picked this because the guy behind is walking so it makes me look good. I really struggled on the Harbour Bridge, but they closed the lane just for us so I tried to make the most of it! haha.)

Probably because of the big run, I've been pretty tired these last couple days, and that will be my excuse for having a sorta hard couple of days. It has been busy at work overall too.

Well... that and I noticed a Facebook pregnancy announcement this morning (man oh man maybe I do need to just not use it...Oh Lord how many more, please help me), and the husband has kicked off his Mo-vember campaign (hahaha... sigh... poor me poor me), so it is great timing to be LEAVING Auckland for a couple days. I'm visiting a dear friend in Dunedin (all the way down in the South Island!). I'm excited about that and I'm sure we'll have a fun time. woopwoop.

(map of nz! top red dot is auckland and bottom one is dunedin!)

It'll just be nice to spend time with her, be seeing new sights and be AWAY from normal life for a short time. I will miss the husband though. I think cos' it has been a difficult time for us this past year, I find it hard being apart from him! I know sounds so needy but it is totally the truth- I've become super clingy in a random kind of way. SAD. Sigh. haha.

Anyway. Gotta go get the bags ready. Hope you are having a good week and all you North Americans had a fun Halloween!

Ten Things at 10 am

2010-10-30T18:53:00.002+13:00

(Started at 10am but had to leave so... posted at 7pm haha...)

Okay so I'm not sure if when you post two posts in one day, they get easily missed? Is that like a blogging no-no? But oh well. Some days I just have more time than others... so here I go.

I'm THANKFUL FOR:

1. Yesterday I spent some time with a new friend. She is dealing with secondary infertility, well, in the sense that she can conceive but has miscarried repeatedly... We had lunch and I had a wonderful time getting to know her, and I am learning more about infertility on another level- like even after you have a child. I'm thankful that God has provided me with friends like her who understand this deep ache.

2. I have a few friends who don't struggle with infertility but who have been really commited to trying to 'get' this road that I'm on. I am thankful for them because they are trying to see things from my perspective and even though it is hard for them to see it, they make so much effort to. It makes me feel very loved and appreciated, and I have much to learn from them!

3. New duvet cover!

(part of pillowcase- oops... upside down)

My mom got me a new duvet cover quite a few months ago... it is not exactly our bedroom style so I had to think about it for a while but it is SO gorgeous (and I don't really have a defined style anyway haha) so I'm gonna use it. But it is WHITE-based... so Miss Play-it-safe here is taking a risk, gonna go for it and use it. Oh dear Sammy boy, please don't lay your paws on it when I'm not looking.

4. New handbag.

Wow. My mom (again) went away recently and the crazylady bought me a fancy new handbag. What?? I don't need one. She just got me one a for my birthday a few months ago too. But some of you can see where my 'shopping for others' habit comes from. It is very cool, but it is red, white and navy so I can't wear too many colours when I'm using it or I'll look a bit too colourful. Love the 'marine' thing about it though. Thanks mom!

5. It is cool today. It is probably gonna rain! I know this is weird, cos' I've been wanting the warm weather for so long. But I would like it to be cool for tomorrow's run!!! (Please please stay cloudy for one more day...) I'm checking the weather like every few hours.

6. Ice cream sandwiches. (I love the new Magnum ice-cream sandwich.) Thankful for this invention... ahhh...

7. Less than eight weeks to Christmas! We have family visiting!

8. Our adoption assessment should be done by the end of December- then we will be deemed 'fit to be adoptive parents', hopefully. We have a lovely social worker who has been super pro-active. Even though realistically there are very few babies up for local adoption, we are still thankful that the process has been faster than we'd previously thought and the experience has been handle-able so far.

9. My work/ministry was in the local community paper this week! It was a great write up and led to quite a lot of interest. So cool.

10. I'm really nervous-excited about tomorrow's run, but I'm glad I get to do this. In reality we all know this is something I wouldn't be able to do or train for if I was pregnant or had a little one. I need to remember to not take this for granted.

Of course, I would give it up in a heartbeat for those things, and it is hard for me to not view this as a 'consolation prize'. This whole running-thing will always be so (argh) conflicting for me because last year I watched my friends take part while I didn't cos' I was pregnant, yet we miscarried soon after. And this year I get to do it but only cos' this last little one didn't stay either... ugh.

But on another level I'm glad I'm healthy and my wobbly knees have held on this long. This has been a good 'challenge' for me mentally and physically to work towards, to feel like I can accomplish stuff in the midst of this baby-madness and I'm super thankful for all the encouragement and support I've gotten.

I even have a friend running with me tomorrow to pace me and the husband and some good friends to wave me on along the way. Stoked!

Weekendweekendweekendiloveyou. Have a good one!

Truth about Sammy

2010-10-30T09:57:00.001+13:00

We've had him for about seven or eight weeks now! Sammy's actually been really confusing. He is great at home and settling in more and more.

However, we've had a few seriously bad things happen on walks so we have to muzzle him. We have talked to a couple dog experts too so we are working on it, but it has been more drama than we were wanting! Whywhywhy.

Anyway. He's less anxious overall and is a lot of fun. We are still waiting to see if we can work on some of the big issues, cos' if not we may have to give him up, which is horrible to think of. Sigh.

For now, here are more photos:

Sammy licking my sweaty skin. Ew.

Here he is watching Project Runway with me haha (though he went to sleep in like the next second...)

He only eats his chew-hide toys when we get home from work... it's like he saves them for us to watch him

Sammy getting ready for bed (he is waaaay better, phew)

Lying in the sun... mmm... grass...

Waiting for the husband to wake up in the morning... quite intense really!

Relaxing on the deck.

Facebook... sigh...

2010-10-28T07:57:00.004+13:00

I found this news article about those going though infertility and handling Facebook pregnancy announcements at Untangle Me.

Totally. I do like using Facebook to keep in touch with friends but I've hidden one or two people because I can't handle their comments on their ongoing pregnancy. I like them and I'm happy for them but it is too hard to have dangling in front of you whenever you open Facebook.

Yet do you find yourself clicking through all their photos during pregnancy and even after the birth? Oh gosh yes. I guess I'm so intrigued and so fascinated by what I cannot have or my body won't do.

The initial announcement is hard. I do understand the desire to celebrate and share the news with everyone. I'm sure I'd want to do that too, to some extent, if I were pregnant, but I can't always handle it on the receiving end because of where I'm at.

I'm sure posts like this sounds quite self-centered. After all, pregnancy news is good stuff. She's having a baby!

I get that. But since when is this journey rational? At the end of the day, it hurts. It feels unfair. It feels like you're being overtaken yet again. It feels like you are being left behind. It feels like you're not good enough.

You're still waiting. You exist in two worlds- the world where you are okay and you are celebrating with them, and you mean it and then there's the world where you feel so jealous, so freaking frustrated that it is not your announcement.

They say it doesn't really get 'easier' though... for those who have gone through infertility and whether or not you do end up having kids, they say the stab to the heart or the slight lurch of the stomach still will be there, but I think I'm hoping I get better at handling it and start to have some better ways to cope? Let's keep hoping.

Weeping into the pillow before bed isn't the greatest on the eyes the next morning, nor is randomly freaking out on the inside how much you hate your body that great for the general well-being. (Not always. But we have Issues. I know.)

Anyway. So what should we do? There's gotta be a way to function like semi-normal. A list would be great of course.

1. Don't use Facebook. (Easier said than done.)

2. As the article mentioned, use the 'hide' option. It is there, why not? (If only there was that option in real life!)

3. Collect a couple trusted friends to warn you if they know there is an 'announcement' coming.

4. Look at every friend on your list who is married and tell yourself that they may be pregnant soon... this sounds ridiculous, but may help to reduce shock-factor. (This was a tip a friend of mine shared with me. She's also been through a rough time with infertility and I thought this was helpful. )

5. If you know friends are trying to conceive or just pregnant and you are okay enough to converse with them about your journey, ask them if they can let you know when they are going to announce the news to the rest of the world- so you can brace yourself for conversations, etc. Explain how it can help to know beforehand.

(I've found that being open with my journey has helped my friends be more aware of how to be sensitive, though it can make me feel super vulnerable at times... I'm really thankful for them.)

Obviously it is not our 'right' to know early or know at all so there will still be tricky ones, but this can help.

6. Pray that God will help you grow a THICK thick skin, protect your heart from the envy and focus on the right things. (Pray also for a bigger picture perspective. So needed but so hard.)

Umm... Okay so there are not that many ways to prevent this. I'm sorry.

Let me know if you've found anything else that may make it better...